A Guide For Men About Women

Alright.  So we've all been there. 

You're pissed at your boyfriend/husband/dude you're dating/whatever....and they have no idea why.

Or:  You're pretty sure your girlfriend/wife/chick you're dating/whatever is pissed at you...and you have no idea why.

I've had a good amount of relationship experience supplemented with conversations with girls who all feel the same way that have led me to put my thoughts onto virtual paper.

It's nothing new:  men and women think completely differently.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus could not be a more accurate statement.  Unless we literally found life on both those planets and discovered that men actually were from Mars, etc. 

In that respect, I've decide to make my own guide for men.  About women. 

Men:  Please read this and refer to it often.  Print it out on tiny paper and laminate it.  And if you get confused, run into the bathroom mid-date and refer to it as frequently as necessary.

Boobs.  Beer.  Steak.  Football.

Now that I've got your attention...

In my experience, the number one issue that instigates fights is communication.  (Or, the lack thereof.)

Let's begin.

TEXTING ***EDIT*** (OR PHONE CALLS)

Disclaimer:  Please note that in no way am I saying that texts or phone calls are a substitue for time spent in person.  Life is busy.  Texting is efficient and not time consuming.  Phone calls, while nice, are not always possible or convenient.  Further, you may substitue "phone call" for "text" at any point during this next part and I still stand by it.

This is probably the biggest newer-ish issue that couples are faced with.  It might sound silly, but it's not.  To sum it up:  You don't text us often enough, or efficiently enough.  And if you are one of the few men that do, then keep it up.  (But chances are you're not, trust us.)

Boys:  We are thinking about you all the time.  All the time.  Not like, most of the time.  Or, almost all of the time except when we are distracted by other things.  ALL OF THE TIME.  It doesn't mean we are incapable of having a life outside of you, it's just how we are designed.  (To think about you.  All of the time.  In case that was unclear) 

Take it as a compliment.

That being said, it completely confuses us that you are not also thinking of us all the time.  That you are able to go about your days without couting down the seconds until you see us next, or talk to us next, or get a text message from us next.  Does-not-compute.

So here are my texting-your-girlfriend/wife/chick you're dating suggestions by bullet point:

• If we text you, text us back in timely matter.  One might think this is common sense (we do at least), but to you, it is not.  Because you get distracted.  And lose track of time.  And have other things you are thinking about.  But in this day in age with the amount of technology out there it is now, it's pretty unacceptable to go all day or even half a day without responding to a text from your significant other.  Figure.  It.  Out.

If you do not do this:  We assume it's because you don't care about us enough to think about us long enough to text us.  And even if we don't tell you, we're secretly disappointed.  So prove us wrong.

• If you go out without us:  We are probably bummed we are not with you.  Even if it's a "guy's night" and we are fine with it, we still wish we were with you.  That being said, take the 1 minute out of your night to send us a text that lets us know you are thinking about us.

If you do not do this:  We assume it's because you don't care about us enough to think about us long enough to text us.  And even if we don't tell you, we're secretly disappointed.  So prove us wrong.


APOLOGIES

It's no secret that guys typically "mess up" more than girls.  Or at least we let you know you mess up more than you let us know.

That being said, there is a way to apologize to us.

After you apologize to us, we're probably still going to be a little pissed.  Even if we've reconciled, we've spent the last however long being pissed at you about it and that takes a little bit to subside. 

It doesn't mean we don't love you, or that deep down we are really not going to let go of whatever pissed us off.  It just means there's a little more work to be done.

"So how do we fix it Morgan???"  You're probably asking.

Well guys, we need a second layer of apology.

We need a hug.

Maybe a kiss...

...But definitely a hug.

Until reconciliation has occured in the form of physical contact, we are going to act tough.  Or maybe just still be sad.

TIP:  Even if we are the ones who messed up and have aplogized to you for something, we still want you to hug us and smooth things over and tell us it's ok. 

And remember:  No hug = no forgiveness.

So get on that.

MAKING/CANCELING PLANS

As a couple, making plans with each other and with others comes up frequently. 

• If you are going to cancel plans with us:  have other plans ready!  Don't just say, "I'm not going to make our date tonight because I am going to go watch football and compare penis sizes with my buddies...sooo, later!"  Instead, try, "I'm so sorry I'm not going to make it tonight, but can I take you out for dinner and a movie ____day to make it up to you?"  I guarantee your response will be worlds different.

Which brings me to my second point:

• If you are going to cancel plans with us: begin with an apology.  You are bailing.  By nature, this is going to bum us out.  So expect a bit of disappointment regardless.  Again, it's only because we love you and want to be with you all the time.  Soften the blow by beginning with an apology.  Then bring up the rear but figuring out something to suggest to make it up to us.

BOOBS.  BEER.  STEAK.  FOOTBALL.

(I was worried I might be losing you.  But welcome back.)

OTHER RANDOM THINGS TO KNOW

1.  You probably already know this to an extent, but when you ask us, "what's wrong?"  And we say, "nothing...," it's definitely something.

I am definitely guilty of this.  It usually means, "It's not a huge deal, and if you really don't know then we don't want to make a huge deal about it, but we're definitely upset about something."

• How to get around it:  Think long and hard (twss) back to the preceding few sentences or exchanges between you two.  Chances are it was something that was done/said just moments before your woman started acting quiet and distant. Most of the time, if you just acknowledge it and possibly say something to the effect of, "I didn't mean it like that...I'm sorry,"  things are cool. 

2.  We like things.  I have met a few girls who say they really don't like flowers or little things that let us know you're thinking about this, which I think it complete bullshit.  We love to know that you're thinking about us.  (Which is why we like it when you text/call us.)

• How to get around it:  Well, not really 'get around it' I suppose on this one.  But just keep in mind that if you surprise your girl with flowers or a little something that says you were thinking about her, she'll be pumped.

3.  We like to feel like your top priority.

We know you have your guy friends and a job and other things to do besides hang out with us all the time.  However, we want to feel like we're at the top of the list.  And like all those other things come second to hanging out with us.

• How to get around it:  Besides making us feel like we're your main focus when we are together, just keep in mind that you score brownie points with us when you choose to hang out or talk with us over your other friends/hobbies/etc.

4.  We talk to our girlfriends about EVERYTHING.  And I do mean EV-ERY-THING.

• There's no way around this.  It's inevitable.  Just get used to it.

So there you have it.  A few bits of insight to the female mind. 

You're welcome.

Boys, start doing these things and we will be super super happy campers.

And furthermore, we all know I do nothing wrong ever, so that's why you should just listen to what I say. 

*A big thanks to Miss Anna Meldau for brainstorming with me!