More About My Mom

For those of you who have not met my mom (which I guess is most of you reading this), she's actually pretty hilarious.  She has a great sense of humor, and the older I get the closer we get. 

In fact, last week we got drunk at a bar together for the first time in, ever, and I found out we're pretty much the exact same person under the unfluence of alcohol. 

In other words, my mom is awesome.

BUT

If there is one thing that my mother is comically bad at, it's that she is TERRIBLE at giving me gifts.
This is an account of some of these.

*disclaimer in case she reads this I love you mom and my gifts this year were awesome also you are so pretty and have nice hair and are the best mom in the whole world.


EXHIBIT A:    THE SHOE WINE HOLDER

Our journey begins with a recent item.

This year, for my birthday, in order to avoid any awkward gifts and really to get something I actually wanted/needed, I specifically said:  "Mom...I need money.  I don't need things.  I have enough things.  All I need is money to pay my bills, so whatever you were going to get me  just give me to money for my birthday this year."

What she said:  OK!

What she meant:  OK!  ....But I'm still gonna mostly just get you some random shit.

Because I got this:

Now, if you've ever wondered to yourself, "what is the most awkward way to store wine??? 

Wonder no more.  For here ^ is the answer.

Half shoe, half wine holder, all unbelievably ridiculous.

Now, God bless my mom for trying.  She knows I am fairly "fashionable," she knows I like wine, "so why not mix the two together??" she thought.

Here's why:

Now, let's go back....

...Let's go back. 

...To about high school time...

EXHIBIT B:  THE KISSING BEARS

"What a cute gift!" one might think...

....if they were in a relationship, or ten years old.

True as that may be, my mother gave this to me one Valentine's Day after my high school boyfriend and I broke up.

As if to say, "I know you're sad now, but just look at these bears who have found their soul mate to remind you that you're still alone and do not have a soul-mate bear and in ten years you will still be alone, but at least there are cats involved."

EXHIBIT B:    THE 99 CENT PHOTO ALBUM

There is no photo of this, because I actually gave it back to my mom, who still has it in the hall closet as I confirmed on Christmas this past week.

Here's the story:

This was probably five years ago.  ...Which was still about a few years after physical picture taking/collecting died out.  Sure there are still those people who put together fancy albums, but I'm definitely not one of them.  And since I still lived at home at the time, my mom definitely knew that.

So she gives me this photo album. 

I saw the "Border's Books & Music" logo on the sticker on the back, and decided that I was going to go return it for store credit.  I figured, even if it's like, 5 bucks, I can still get a book I'd rather read instead.

So I take it up to the cashier:

Me: Yeah, this was a gift and I was hoping to get store credit for it.

Cashier: Do you have the receipt?

Me: No, it was a gift.

Cashier: Hmm...ok, but I'll only be able to give you credit for whatever it rings up as.

Me: Totally fine.

Cashier: ...Um...it looks like it was purchased for 99 cents.

Me: WHAT?! Seriously?

Cashier: Yeah...

Me: Wow.  Well, I mean I'm not gonna use it, so I guess I'll take the store credit.

Cashier: Um...actually...we can't issue a gift card for that low of an amount

Me:   :c

And to this day, it sits, unused, unscrapbooked and apparently unloved.

WHICH brings us up to date (although I am sure I am forgetting things, which I will most likely add to this entry as I think of them).

After Christmas, I am proud to say I have a new addition to my cornucopia of random shit:

EXHIBIT D:   THE PURSE POST-IT DISPENSER

This one is very similar to the shoe wine holder. 

My mom's train of thought:

1. She likes purses.
2. She probably uses post-its.
3. There is no way she wouldn't enjoy a combination of the 2.

My train of thought:

1. What the FUCK am I going to do with this purse post it dispenser? 

To bring this entry to a close, while it may seem like I'm making fun of my mom, I actually find it pretty hilarious and endearing.

It has become something that I now look forward to, and that you might now too.

(Mother, if you're reading this, I love you.)