How To Set Up An Internet Dating Profile (You're Welcome)

Internet dating.

The very words strike fear into millions of single people everywhere.

But why?

I'll tell you why.

CAUSE IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE.

SO.

My first mistake was joining Plenty Of Fish, at my former boss' suggestion (although I later graduated to OKCupid because a friend of mine met a girl on there that he is still with today).

Her reasoning was sound: It's free, easy to use, and she had met a lot of cute guys so far.

I mean what more could a single girl ask for??

Turns out, EVERYTHING.

For those of you Internet dating virgins (lucky assholes) or  for those (total assholes) that are already happily married or in a stable relationship, let me explain a little about how the sign up process works.

First of all, after mourning any hope of meeting your future husband/wife naturally/in real life, and emotionally slaughtering any residual pride you may have left over, you need to decide on which site you're going to try.

I went with the free sites because I'm not quite ready for the Hail Mary, and thought this would be a good introductory step.

SO HERE IT IS.

My carefully thought out, from personal experience, step by step guide to Internet dating:

STEP 1:  Sign up.  Pick a site, and get started.  I'm guessing it really doesn't matter which you go for, but I recommend a free one at first so you can keep your sense of dignity for a little while longer and test the waters without having to PAY to Internet date, because that probably makes you feel like a little bit of a prostitute (I'M JUST SAYING).

STEP 2:  Fill out a brief profile about yourself.  Here, you will attempt to sell everyone on how awesomely fantastic you are, totally glossing over the fact that your awesome self has resorted to online dating.

Mine said:

"I'm a cool chick.  I love to laugh, have fun, and I'm pretty much down for anything.  I still haven't found the right guy, so I thought I'd give this thing a shot."

THAT'S IT.

That's all I said.  Which was hilarious, because due to the lack of information I gave about myself, the number of "wow, your profile really interests me" & "I love your profile" became an easy way to spot the people who really just meant "Sup.  You're hot."

STEP 3:  After crying a little bit, you upload a photo of yourself.

      *SIDE NOTE*

• If you're normal looking:  Upload whatever photo you think is a good photo of you.  It'll be fine.

• If you're fucking ugly:  Fuck with Photobooth or a fish eye lens until you upload some sort of Frankenstein's-monster-type photo that can pass for a photo of yourself, knowing FULL WELL THAT IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU AND THAT AS SOON AS YOUR DATE MEETS YOU THEY ARE ALREADY SO PISSED BECAUSE YOU ARE A DIRTY LIAR.

I chose this one (you be the judge):

It says, "Look at me!  I'm not totally ugly and I like to smile and wear black and am kind of an alcoholic!"

Perfect.

STEP 4:  More crying (I recommend Kleenex with lotion, it seems gentler on your skin).

STEP 5:  Once your profile of desperation is complete:

• If you're a guy:  Start trolling for hotties and send them all sorts of sweet messages like, "my virginity is yours for the taking" or "daaaamn woman you are fucking FINE, wanna fuck?! (*bonus points if you misspell some stuff, girls think that's super sexy).

• If you're a girl:  You just wait.  Because the guys are going to come to you.

STEP 6:  Start to talk with members of the opposite sex.  

STEP 7:  Cry a little bit more, maybe start thinking about one of your exes and how maybe you made the wrong decision and should give them another try.  Maybe get a cat (I have 2).

STEP 8:  Slap yourself out of that.

STEP 9:  Set up a date.  Don't worry, it's probably going to be awful, but you already know this, so just give it a try.

STEP 10:  Email me about your shitty dates, cause I'm about to tell you about one of mine.

EXHIBIT A

This guy and I had been exchanging emails, and eventually texts, for about a week.  He seemed funny, sweet, and seemed like he was looking for the same thing I was.  He eventually asked me to dinner.  

His suggestion was the Yardhouse, where he said he was going to make reservations for 7:30.

Cool.

So I show up, fashionably late at 7:35.

Now I'll be honest, being late is a pet peeve of mine, especially for a date, ESPECIALLY for a first date, but I totally get running a little behind.

Tardy Pants (yeah, I'm going with that) decided to show up about 30 minutes late.  Now you know, things happen.  Cars catch on fire, stray bullets hit your leg and prevent you from being on time, I get it.

What I DON'T get, is how this guy could show up late to our date and COMPLETELY act like he was on time.  No apologies.  No acknowledgement of his being late.  NOT OK.

NOT TO MENTION he gave me a side hug and didn't act happy to see me AT ALL upon our first encounter.

....Calm down Morgan, give this guy a chance....

So we walk inside.  He walked to the desk to deal with the reservations and I waited by the door.

After speaking to the desk, he comes back:

"The wait's about 45 minutes."

"...I'm sorry?  Didn't you say you made reservations?"

"No."

.......................

"Ok....well, it's Friday night and I'm fucking (I probably didn't say fucking) hungry NOW, soooo I guess let's go look for somewhere else?"

"Ok."

And he proceeds to walk 3 STEPS AHEAD OF ME THE ENTIRE WAY.

Really douchebag?!  

Really?!

It gets better.

Me:  "I'm so hungry!  I love P.F. Chang's (give this guy a chance, Morgan)."

Him:  "Oh....I'm not.  I already ate."

::RECORD SCRATCH::

I'm sorry....WHAT?!?!?!  YOU ALREADY ATE, AND WE ARE ON A DATE WHERE YOU ARE TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER???  WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORON...

...breathe Morgan....

....breathe....

Me: "Seriously?"

Him:  "Yeah."

After I mentally put my stiletto through his face, we arrived at the restaurant.  Where BY CHANCE at a busy restaurant at a busy shopping center on a Friday night, we scored a seat by the bar.

After some chit chat and a desperation text to my girlfriend while he was in the bathroom, he finally seemed to be relaxing a little and a was little more open to conversation.

...A conversation where he tells me he never wants to get married or have kids.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.  

ASSHOLE.

You're gonna lead with that?!

That's funny, because I was about to tell YOU that I'm going to have sex with you never.

I'm not even going to get into the rest of the conversation because needless to say it was pointless.

OH and I forgot to mention that he was ZERO funny and clever in person.  Way to text though, buddy.

He paid for my dinner and we went back to the Yardhouse for another drink.

Why?  I don't know.  I like beer.

After he let me pay for our beers, (super lame on the first date by the way, boys), we left.

He did not offer to walk me to my car.

He did hug me.

And I did run to my car afterwards.

No sooner than I sat down I got this text:

"you looked pretty tonight."

Oh.....really?  BECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING YOU FUCKING TELL A GIRL WHEN YOU SEE HER, DUMB ASS.

I said "thanks" and he proceeded to ask me for a second date because "he really likes me and didn't think he was himself tonight because he was super nervous."

....YeeeeeaaaaaaNOPE.

Sorry guy, but if you can't be yourself around me from day one and you're as fucking retarded as you were that night, you're not who I'm looking for.

NEXT.