Thursday, September 15, 2011

Fuck Earthquakes and Aliens, Also.

Last night there was an earthquake.

Maybe that's not clear enough.  Let me rephrase:

Last night there was an earthquake and my life pretty much flashed before my eyes because that means we're all going to die and I'm the worst cat mom ever who couldn't protect her cats.

There are a few things in this world I'm afraid of that I live in secret constant fear of:  One of them is sharks.  Another, earthquakes.  Another, aliens.  Another, a giant tidal wave like that one in 2012 cause fuck that and also that means there's probably sharks.

Living in California, an earthquake is obviously the one that I deal with the most frequently.

Those damn scientists with their "no seriously guys, 'The Big One' is coming and we're all gonna die and you'll never get married and your cats are going to die too and you're still single we just want to make sure we're super clear on that point."

I was just sleeping.  Soundly.  Peacefully.  Thinking about losing my softball game earlier that night and coping with my 24 hour long hangover, when all of a sudden I was abruptly awoken by an invisible giant demon monster with 12 heads shaking my bed.  Ok maybe there was no giant demon, but the earth was shaking so whatever.

My cats looked up at me like, "WTF?" 

And I looked hopelessly back like, "I dunno guys?"

And then once the shock wore off and I realized what was happening I was all OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS IT THIS IS THE BIG ONE WE'RE DEAD COME TO ME CATS AND LET'S HUG IN THIS MOMENT OF DOOM.

And then it stopped.

And that's where my story should end, but as you probably know by now that would be way too boring for me to write about.

So my phone started blowing up with text messages from all my friends who were woken up by the quake too. 

Now before I go any further, this is by far this shittiest part of living alone. 

There was just an earthquake, I was forced to once again face my mortality and potential impending doom, and now I have to TRY to go back to sleep while cuddling my cats and telling myself I'm actually going to be alive in the morning.

Moving on. 

Whilst dealing with the terror of the quake and wondering if that was simply a precursor to "The Big One" that will surely kill us all and plunge California into the depths of the ocean and off the map, I get this text from a friend:

FRIEND: "Yeah I just went on Twitter and LA Times' Twitter was like 'green light spotted hitting earth was most likely a meteor.'  So either earthquake or aliens."
ME: I'm sorry WHAT

And that's really all I needed in order to send me further into my downward spiral of terror. 

I was POSITIVE that at any moment I was going to see a green light and then get anally probed by slimy aliens who wanted to eat my brains.

So I did some research and found this article from the L.A. Times that "assured" us:

"NASA officials checked to ensure that the object was not a wayward spacecraft. 'We are fairly confident,' [some guy] said, 'that it was not a spacecraft or space junk.'"


You are FAIRLY certain it's not aliens?!?!?! 

You are FAIRLY certain I'm not getting anally probed tonight and then getting my brains sucked out???


How about get off your ass and go track that shit down and be ABSOLUTELY certain it's not aliens?? 

How about that, asshole???


I spent the next 3 hours awake in a cold sweat waiting to be raped by aliens.

They never came which is kind of annoying because they ruined my night either way so at least maybe just come in and say "hey" or something, you know?

Here's a picture of what is obviously aliens coming to eat our brains.

1 comment:

  1. Dude... while I was in Japan, I had one dream about an earthquake and one dream about aliens. I'm pretty much psychic. And, I didn't text you because the earthquake woke me up, I texted you because I was drunk... in Japan... which is better.