Tuesday, January 12, 2016


Do you ever replay a moment or a thing you said over and over in your mind until you have all but convinced yourself that you could actually create the world's first time machine to go back in time to stop yourself from saying or doing said stupid thing to save yourself years of suffering even though science was always your worst subject and also it isn't possible?

This was one of those moments for me.

I had kiiiiind of been flirting with an old flame.  More specifically, my first boyfriend and real love. Don't get too excited, nothing happened (my dying alone game is still strong)...well, nothing serious.

Let me take you back to this particular moment of time in my life where I somehow found myself with him on New Year's Eve along with his brother, and his brother's girlfriend.  It was just the four of us at his brother's house, staying in, having some drinks, and having some conversations.

Again, this was the guy that I had all my first strong feelings and break up feelings and get back together feelings for, for YEARS.  Granted, it had been about 10 years since we had broken up, but still.  Anyway, I knew his brother fairly well.  As a 17 year old girl I always thought his brother was too cool for me...and anyone really.  He has one of those really big personalities that makes you feel like he really cares about you even after just meeting you, buuuut also like he kinda doesn't and it's kind of a show and he probably says the same stuff to everyone.  He is also very spiritual so he does shit like "hike for fun to be one with God and nature" and other things that sound terrible.  He is super nice, don't get me wrong.  We just were never very close back then, and I always felt like I had to prove something to him to be cool enough to be around him.

Before I tell you what I said, let me also say that I do not make New Year's Resolutions. Every time I have tried, I have failed.  So around 23 years old I finally decided to give myself a break and stop setting myself up for failure.

Eat less?  Nah.  Drink less?  Probably also nah.  Physical activity?  Well, we know that's out.  Be nicer to people?  You see where I'm going with this.

So anytime I have tried to make a resolution in the past 8 years, it's always been something stupid and totally achievable.

"I will not adopt 10 cats."
"I will try that new ramen place that just opened."
"I will send that one email I've been meaning to send for like 4 weeks now."
"I will not kill another homeless person."

Etc., etc., etc.

So when my dude's brother suggested we go around the room and say our resolution(s) we had planned for the upcoming year, you can imagine the panic I felt.  Feeling the pressure of having to come up with something at ALL, let alone something responsible, enlightening, smart, life-changing to maybe seem OK enough to continue to exist in the presence of Dude's Brother.

At the same time, the part of me that is well, me, was fighting to break through.  The part of me that doesn't care what other people think or if they can't take a joke or even to realize I'm joking.  The part of me that makes jokes with just a liiiiittle bit of truth in them, but wants to be around people that not only get that about me, but think they're funny.


But guess which part of me won?

This was years ago now, so I can't remember what everyone else said, so I'm going to make it up and it's probably still pretty accurate:

Dude:  "I want to figure out something really meaningful to do with my life,  I'm not happy with my current situation so I want to spend this year exploring what makes me happy."
Dude's Brother:  "This year, I want to sit on a rock in the mountains for so long that I see sound.  I want to create a symphony with my breath that lifts a bluebird up to the heavens above while mermaids cry onto unicorns horns creating a really cool song that I will then play for no one."
Dude's Brother's Girlfriend:  "I want to graduate college and really work on my relationship with God."



I am not kidding.  That is what I said.

What I MEANT was:  "Look, I don't have a resolution.  I've had a rough couple of months and I've made some mistakes.  Also my body doesn't have that thing that's like 'Yo bitch, you've had too many, now is when we puke,' so I can drink all night and it's not until the next morning that I puke because I didn't even know I was that drunk, and really I just want to learn to control and avoid THAT, if possible.  Also, did I mention I literally don't have a resolution and this is the only thing I could thing of on the spot like this because I seriously don't do this shit?"

The whole room was silent while I scrambled to try to explain that I had not taken this fucking HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT that I had gotten about 4 minutes earlier seriously.

It was too late. The judgmental looks from DB along with some... "ohh....ok..."s was enough to make me want to drink myself to death that night.

Needless to say things did not work out with the Dude.  And DEFINITELY needless to say I did not become any cooler in DB's eyes that night.

Also in case you were wondering if I stuck to that pathetically improvised resolution:

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

31 Days

I'm not drinking this month.  What???  I know.  I don’t believe it either.  But you probably won't see me busting out my sweet dance moves or doing karaoke any time this month.  As a disclaimer, I make no iron clad promises and should I fall off the wagon I will make no apologies.  That being said, my goal is to have ZERO alcohols for the month of March.  That last sentence took an hour to type; even my fingers are protesting.  But there I said it.  What started out as my wanting to look good in my next cosplay foray somehow led me here.  How difficult would it be to stop drinking for a month?  Will I notice a difference in my overall health?  How much more productive will I be?  It won't be easy.  The fact that I work in a bar 4 nights a week does not help…nor does the fact that 90% of my friends are pretty big drinkers.  I am not going to stop living my life or going where I normally would go, I'm simply not going to partake.  So here I go into the world of sober nights and mornings without hangovers.  I figured I’d keep a journal of my plight if anyone is interested in following (or laughing :/) along.  I’ll update this daily with how much this sucks or doesn’t suck.  It’s probably going to suck.  A lot.

Day 1:  What have I done?  Went to a friend’s dinner party (who brews beer for a living - Hi Ian!) where they all sampled fine bourbons, wines and beers.  I envied every sip as a single tear made its way down my cheek.  Contemplated giving up on day 1, but realized how unbelievably pathetic that would be.  Also thought about justifying a glass of wine or three with the fact that February is a short month.  Managed to abstain.  I am a hero.

Day 2:  Had a meeting in a bar at 2pm.  No drinks.  Ended up at another at 9 pm.  Ordered a soda water with a lime and just to make it a little less depressing the bartender put it in a wine glass for me.  Left at 10.  I get tired a lot earlier when I’m sober.  This sucks.

Day 3:  Today at dinner my friends took a shot of tequila to commemorate "The Old Morgan."  Sigh.  At least I won't wake up with a hangover.

Day 4:  Hosting trivia without liquor?  It's like, how much more black could this be?  And the answer is none.  None more black.

Day 5:  Tonight my friends drank IPA and the smell was almost enough to make me crack.   I don't even like IPA.  Stayed strong…ish.

Day 6:  Tonight was the hardest night so far.  Ran into a couple of awkward situations that made me want to order a double shot of tequila and a vodka soda and be done with feeling feelings.  I even pulled out cash from the nearest ATM to BUY said alcohols; I did NOT.  However, I did mistakenly take a sip of my friend's vodka soda, which I then promptly spit into a trash can as if I were a pregnant woman with morning sickness (super not, btw).  Hoping my vodka mouthwash will be enough to tide me over for the next…3…weeks.  Someone asked me why I'm even still going to bars during this.  And the only answer I can come up with is that I'm a masochist.

Day 7:  Well guys, I made it a whole week.  I'd like to thank the bartenders who refused to serve me and my friends for shaming me into sticking with it.  I'd also like to thank a certain shit-giving trivia host for making me this 7 day sobriety chip that I will keep until I die or lose it.  Couldn't have done it without you.  Also, had an encounter with a drunk guy that might find it's way into my next Missed Connection.  He liked my bangs.

Day 8:  Today was easier.  To be completely honest, I don't really feel any different physically…or emotionally for that matter.  This means that alcohol is the answer to everything, and I am AVOIDING the answers on PURPOSE.  Is this a metaphor for my life??  Or am I just looking for an excuse to have a beer or ten?  There's really no way of knowing.

Day 9:  Ever dream that you're eating a giant marshmallow and wake up and your pillow is gone?  Me neither.  I sure would love some tequila.

Day 10:  Tonight I closed two new business deals and had to use someone else's drink to cheers my partner…before giving it back.  21 more days….

Day 11:  New deals closed:  1.  Drinks had:  0.  Boyfriends:  Also 0.

Day 12:  Nothing exciting to report other than I still haven't had a drink.  So I will tell you a joke: What do you call a fish with no eye?  A fsh.  Thanks folks I'll be here all month.

Day 13:  Tonight I drank cranberry juice out of a wine glass while my friends shared 5 bottles of wine.  5.  Bottles.


Day 15:  Well, I am officially half way!  I almost drove to Vegas on a whim tonight without the slightest worry that I would crack.  I guess I'm pretty used to being sober in less than sober environments.  Also, everyone has been ridiculously supportive.  2 more weeks until I can drink until I can't feel feelings!

Day 16:  Drove to Vegas.  Didn't drink.  I got this.

Day 17:  Was so exhausted from Vegas drinking wasn't even a thought.  Also, St, Patrick's Day is for amateurs.

Day 18:  The bartender gave me a shot of water with a lime so I could still join in the drinking festivities.  Adorable, I know.

Day 19:  I'm pretty sure my friend and I were solicited for sex at work, but other than that, pretty uneventful night.

Day 20:  I am realizing how boring this must be at this point since there are no exciting updates other than I still haven't had a drink, so if you're still reading, wow thanks.  Here is another joke for you:  Why was 6 afraid of 7?  I'll let you think about it.

Day 21:  3 weeks!!!!

Day 22:  What if I just swish some beer around in my mouth real quick.

Day 23:  I

Day 24:  Am

Day 25:  So

Day 26:  Tired

Day 27:  Of

Day 28:  This

Day 29:  Today was my grandma's birthday.  She passed away in 2010.  I guess I'll have to pour a figurative one out for my homie this year.  Love you grandma.  2 more days!

Day 30:  1 more day to go.  A whole 24 hour to think about what to break my sobriety wi-tequila.

Day 31:  I don't know how, but I made it.  I made it a whole month with no alcohol.  To be completely honest, I did NOT notice a huge difference in my health, and therefore excuse me while I go drink until I can't feel feelings.  Hey, don't judge me.  I did it!

Friday, August 29, 2014

Why How I Met Your Mother's Season Finale Was The Worst Of All Time (Yes, Even Worst Than Lost)

For those of you who haven't watched How I Met Your Mother, heed this warning:  It was a great show.  Go ahead, watch all nine seasons.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll karaoke "Let's Go To The Mall," but for the love of God, STOP at the season finale.  Just don't even bother.  Turn off your TV, go grab a few drinks at a bar and think about how you wish McLaren's Pub was a real place.  Reflect on how satisfied you are with each character's individual journey.  Why, you ask?  It is the worst season finale I have ever seen, and I watch a LOT of TV.  The show's finale was as insulting to its viewers as it was shallow.  And here's why.  (Warning:  Major plot spoilers ahead, so if you don't want to know all the gory details probably stop reading here.)

Barney and Robin:  Gun toting, independent, newswoman meets bachelor-for-life/player and after just 8 short years (and a failed first attempt at a relationship) they finally realize that they're perfect for each other!  The entirety of season 9 takes place at their wedding.  I was beyond elated when he finally proposed.  A hopeless romantic, I never gave up on the idea that Barney could change his playboy ways and fall deeply in love with the right woman.  In episode 22 (of 24, the finale is a 2-parter) they finally tie the knot.  ...And in the very next episode, we learn that they are already divorced.  Marriage was just too hard.  They calmly have a conversation in which one asks the other if they want "out," and in the next scene they are telling their friends not that they plan on divorcing, but that they have already divorced.  Following their divorce, the two revert back into shells of their former selves that look pretty identical to Season One Barney and Robin.  There is no growth.  They have not "come so far."  They just simply give up.  Robin throws herself again into her career and distances herself from all of her friends.  She becomes cold and selfish (again).  Barney becomes a man whore (again) and seeks his "perfect month."  He even brings back The Playbook, which he once burned as proof of his committed love for Robin.  The only redemption for his character is that he knocks some random chick up (I know) and "falls in love" with his daughter, presumably for the first time.  But I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be happy about the fact that he divorced Robin and has an "oops!" baby with someone who is so inconsequential in his life that we never even meet her???  Pass. 

The Mother:  After waiting patiently (8 EFFING YEARS, to be exact) to meet the Mother, we finally do.  She's cute, she's spunky, she loves Ted, and we're so happy he's finally met the woman of his dreams after his many, (many) romances gone awry.  Well guess what?  SHE DIES.  She has actually been dead the entire time he's been telling his story!  We barely get to see them together as it is, and when we FINALLY do, she is killed off in the very next episode.  I remember telling a friend after watching the penultimate episode, "Did you hear her offhand comment about her wanting him to move on and not wanting him to live in the past?  Do you think they're going to kill her off?!?" We crossed our fingers for the finale.  That was probably the one time in the history of time that I hated being right.  The mother is killed off by some mystery terminal illness.  Surprise!  After a quick montage of their entire relationship over the next episode and a half-ish, we see the Mother in a hospital bed and are quickly made aware that she did not make it.  Poof.  Gone.  He is telling his children the story of their deceased mother.  While this alone does not make the series finale awful, it was certainly unexpected and disappointing especially because our time with her was so limited.  I won't even get into the fact that they spent years together before he finally decides to propose to her after she is pregnant with his child.  What???

Ted and Robin:  If you're a fan of the show, perhaps you recall the episode where we first meet Robin.  As newbies to the show, and with NO idea that the show would go on for 9 whole years without revealing who the mother was, we wondered "is this HER!?"  Until of course Ted dashed our hopes and dreams with the sentence, "That kids, is the true story of how I met your AUNT ROBIN."  So fine.  She wasn't the mother.  I was able to accept that and look forward to the future.  However, the writers refused to let that story line go, and allowed for an overwrought gray area between them up until most of the way through the final season.  With only hours remaining until she marries Barney, Robin questions if she is doing the right thing and should actually be with Ted.  After a tense scene or two, Ted finally realizes he has to let Robin go once and for all.  They part ways, and Robin and Barney marry.  ....And then quickly divorce.  Ted finally finishes his story and his kids tell him that the story he's been telling them wasn't about their mother at all, but about his unresolved feelings for Robin!  They then give him their blessing to go date her.  Isn't that sweet?  So 50 something year old Ted rushes to 50 year old Robin's window and presents the infamous blue french horn that he's kept despite his marriage as a token of his love and a metaphorical engagement ring.  She smiles, the show ends, and thousands of people yell at their TV screens.  Was Barney and Robin's marriage just a plot device to make her realize she really wanted to be with Ted?  Do any of these women mean anything to Ted at all, or are they just objects to him to obsess over?  Did the writers realize they just back pedaled because Robin in a sense actually WAS the mother?  Was "How I Settled For Your Mother, Knocked Her Up And Eventually Married Her Because Robin Kept Rejecting Me" too long of a title??  Put me in a room with the writers for 5 minutes and see who comes out alive.  ...Or at least severely reprimanded.

Why HIMYM sucked more than The Sopranos:  I know a lot of people were pretty bummed about the finale.  Cut to black right before the entire Soprano family is about to be taken out while Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" plays triumphantly in the background.  Here's the thing:  It was an amazing show, and at no point did the writing suffer or become inconsistent.  People were bummed because we don't know (butttt we kinda do...) what happened.  But that's the thing about finales!  That's where our look into these characters' lives ends, and our journey back to reality begins.  So while it may have been disappointing that you didn't get to witness the epic fire fight that went down, if you think about it, the show never let you down and went out kicking ass.

Why HIMYM sucked more than Lost:  This is the one I get into the most argument about.  TRUST ME, I am with you and I also hated the ending of Lost.  ...And by ending, I mean like the last 4 seasons of it to be honest.  So here's why people were primarily upset:  1.) Unanswered questions.  Why did we only hear Jacob's creepy ass voice that gave me nightmares one time?  Why was the Dharma Initiative's stamp on that shark?  Where the fuck did that polar bear come from??  2.)  Turns out, it WAS purgatory after all!  I will address these separately.

1.)  I am not going to lie, the unanswered questions are extremely annoying.  I remember how creeped out I was by Jacob's voice in that creepy cabin and was really excited to see where that went.  Well it went nowhere, really.  Here's the thing though:  that show went nowhere for a looooong time.  If you stuck out all 6 seasons of that show, kudos to you.  I did too, but only because I felt like I had to complete a homework assignment.  It cannot be that surprising that not all of the loose ends were tied up.  In other words, the show was all over the place.  The writing was all over the place.  Entertaining?  Sure.  Sometimes.  But come on.  Even Stevie Wonder could see the writers flailing towards the end of season 3.  

2.)  Despite their protests very early on, the writers either got lazy or tired of lying, because what do you know, they were dead the whole time!  While this pissed a LOT of people off, at least the character development did not simply jump ship.  We saw what the characters went through leading up to the crash, and experienced life with them on "the island."  Kate didn't all of a sudden start murdering and blowing shit up again.  Sawyer didn't go back to being a con man.  Locke didn't revert into the pathetically weak character he was at the beginning of the show.  Just the opposite, actually.  They all came to terms with their limitations and moved on together in the finale.  Sad?  Yes.  Disappointing?  Sure.  The shitstorm that was the HIMYM finale?  Absolutely not.

Well that's my rant.  I know it's been about 6 months since the end of How I Met Your Mother, but I am still angry about it and it comes up in discussion enough with friends that I figured I'd write it down.  That way the next time someone asks me, "But WHY were you so upset?" I can just send them a link to this lovely essay that hopefully you've stopped reading by now because wow this is longer than I thought it would be.   

So I'll leave you with this:  I encourage you; Watch How I Met Your Mother.  It is definitely cheesy at times, but the writing is actually great.  The running jokes are hilarious, and God dammit I love me some Robin Sparkles.  But be forewarned if you watch the finale: the show will rob you of your happiness for around 25 years.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Missed Connection 7/3/14

Missed Connection:

It was Thursday night. You saw me from across the room at the bar, but alas, I did not yet see you. As I walked to the bathroom you made your move. And WHAT a move you made! I can almost picture you at your desk, staying up nights, pouring over your composition books and coming up with incredible line after incredible line. "What's up, Betty Crocker?" Is the one you honored me with. No doubt you were paying homage to my blue dress with ruffles at the bottom. How naive of me; I honestly had NO idea that she had the same dress! I am forever in your debt for my newfound knowledge. It never ceases to amaze me that despite all the romantic prose and poetry (for how else can I describe your delicate words??) I have been seduced with, I remain single. ...This must be due to my own folly! For what other woman would not fall down at the feet of these Romeos? Foolishly, I said nothing. Though you probably knew from my vacant stare that it was love at first sight. And then, simultaneously affirming my apparent infatuation for you and setting back gender equality 100 years, you asked me if I was going to "cook you biscuits." No, my love. I am not going to cook you biscuits. Your fervent interest in my choice of clothing caused me to notice your own. Your Great Gatsby shirt that was clearly a recent purchase from Urban Outfitters and donned in an attempt to boast your unparalleled "intelligence" to the world screamed out to me: "Scholar!" "Provider!" "Everything you've been waiting for in a man!". You wore it so proudly. So when I commented on it and you told me it was your favorite book and that you "studied it in college," I refrained from telling you that I read and "studied" said Great American Novel in 5th grade. And then in junior high school. Again in high school...and then about 3 more times in college. However, I held my tongue as I want you to be proud of your accomplishments! Isn't that what proper women are supposed to do? I would have said let's talk literature, but I suppose I should leave the learning up to you and get to work on cooking those biscuits. Until we meet again...


Betty Crocker
formerly, Zooey Deschanel's cousin

Missed Connection 6/11/14

Missed Connection:

It was about 9 pm on a Wednesday night and I was in the middle of hosting trivia at the Costa Mesa Tavern and Bowl. I had ordered some food earlier, but foolishly did not allow myself enough time to finish my food before starting trivia. Distressed and disappointed wholly in myself, but committed to my obligation, I moved my half eaten wedge salad with no bacon to the edge of the table. My plan was to slowly eat this as the night progressed and eventually when trivia ended, finish it. When we meet, I can go into more detail about how I was going to try to save most the tomatoes for the end because those are the best part, etc etc. However, I did not account for you and I must say you caught me off guard. While I was on the microphone you approached me. Your 50-some years of wisdom must have told you this was a good idea - nay; that this was the ONLY idea. "...You gonna finish that?" You asked, making direct eye contact - well, kind of direct. I'm pretty sure there was a lazy eye situation. Your words reeked of whiskey and broken dreams; the kind where you take one look at someone and just go, "I get it, man, and I'm sorry." Your opening line made me momentarily forget everything I have ever known. When I asked you if you were actually asking me if you could eat my half eaten salad, you unapologetically replied yes. I said no. I was too hasty. You weren't though. You lingered at the edge of my table for a full minute, staring lustfully at the salad, hoping for a miracle - or at least for my ice cold heart to melt. It didn't. Also, I was working. Maybe it was simply the rejection, or maybe it was the fact that you noticed there was no bacon on the salad. Either way, you gave up and stumbled away, dejected (or perhaps just extremely drunk at 9pm on a Wednesday). Give me another chance. You can have your own salad, or we can share. I'll even save the bacon on the side for you.


The chick you don't know whose half eaten salad you really, really wanted.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Missed Connection

Missed Connection:

You were at The Huddle last night around midnight. I had had a long day and was having a few drinks with friends before starting the week anew. On my way out the door you yelled (literally, yelled), "HEY! ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S COUSIN! LET ME TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER - WE CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT!" As I turned around full of curiosity and bewilderment, you then added as a last ditch effort: "...YOU CAN ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!" I don't know if it was the sheer shock of wondering how in the world you knew I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with eating unsexy amounts of food as often as humanly possible, or how you knew how much I love being compared to an attractive yet extremely annoying celebrity solely based on the fact that I too have bangs, but I panicked. Instead of running to you with open arms and my open calendar, I rolled my eyes and continued to my car. I hadn't even eaten dinner. I have since realized my mistake and that you are probably my soulmate. I was also not wearing my glasses (which was quite unfortunate, given the circumstances), but I'm sure if I had been I would have immediately taken off all my clothing and offered myself to you. I have no idea how you obtained and honed such impeccable flirting skills, but when are we going to dinner? I have been working on a list of what I want to order since last night.


Zooey Deschanel's Cousin

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Sometimes I work, sometimes I get bored and pretend to be a dolphin.