Tuesday, January 12, 2016


Do you ever replay a moment or a thing you said over and over in your mind until you have all but convinced yourself that you could actually create the world's first time machine to go back in time to stop yourself from saying or doing said stupid thing to save yourself years of suffering even though science was always your worst subject and also it isn't possible?

This was one of those moments for me.

I had kiiiiind of been flirting with an old flame.  More specifically, my first boyfriend and real love. Don't get too excited, nothing happened (my dying alone game is still strong)...well, nothing serious.

Let me take you back to this particular moment of time in my life where I somehow found myself with him on New Year's Eve along with his brother, and his brother's girlfriend.  It was just the four of us at his brother's house, staying in, having some drinks, and having some conversations.

Again, this was the guy that I had all my first strong feelings and break up feelings and get back together feelings for, for YEARS.  Granted, it had been about 10 years since we had broken up, but still.  Anyway, I knew his brother fairly well.  As a 17 year old girl I always thought his brother was too cool for me...and anyone really.  He has one of those really big personalities that makes you feel like he really cares about you even after just meeting you, buuuut also like he kinda doesn't and it's kind of a show and he probably says the same stuff to everyone.  He is also very spiritual so he does shit like "hike for fun to be one with God and nature" and other things that sound terrible.  He is super nice, don't get me wrong.  We just were never very close back then, and I always felt like I had to prove something to him to be cool enough to be around him.

Before I tell you what I said, let me also say that I do not make New Year's Resolutions. Every time I have tried, I have failed.  So around 23 years old I finally decided to give myself a break and stop setting myself up for failure.

Eat less?  Nah.  Drink less?  Probably also nah.  Physical activity?  Well, we know that's out.  Be nicer to people?  You see where I'm going with this.

So anytime I have tried to make a resolution in the past 8 years, it's always been something stupid and totally achievable.

"I will not adopt 10 cats."
"I will try that new ramen place that just opened."
"I will send that one email I've been meaning to send for like 4 weeks now."
"I will not kill another homeless person."

Etc., etc., etc.

So when my dude's brother suggested we go around the room and say our resolution(s) we had planned for the upcoming year, you can imagine the panic I felt.  Feeling the pressure of having to come up with something at ALL, let alone something responsible, enlightening, smart, life-changing to maybe seem OK enough to continue to exist in the presence of Dude's Brother.

At the same time, the part of me that is well, me, was fighting to break through.  The part of me that doesn't care what other people think or if they can't take a joke or even to realize I'm joking.  The part of me that makes jokes with just a liiiiittle bit of truth in them, but wants to be around people that not only get that about me, but think they're funny.


But guess which part of me won?

This was years ago now, so I can't remember what everyone else said, so I'm going to make it up and it's probably still pretty accurate:

Dude:  "I want to figure out something really meaningful to do with my life,  I'm not happy with my current situation so I want to spend this year exploring what makes me happy."
Dude's Brother:  "This year, I want to sit on a rock in the mountains for so long that I see sound.  I want to create a symphony with my breath that lifts a bluebird up to the heavens above while mermaids cry onto unicorns horns creating a really cool song that I will then play for no one."
Dude's Brother's Girlfriend:  "I want to graduate college and really work on my relationship with God."



I am not kidding.  That is what I said.

What I MEANT was:  "Look, I don't have a resolution.  I've had a rough couple of months and I've made some mistakes.  Also my body doesn't have that thing that's like 'Yo bitch, you've had too many, now is when we puke,' so I can drink all night and it's not until the next morning that I puke because I didn't even know I was that drunk, and really I just want to learn to control and avoid THAT, if possible.  Also, did I mention I literally don't have a resolution and this is the only thing I could thing of on the spot like this because I seriously don't do this shit?"

The whole room was silent while I scrambled to try to explain that I had not taken this fucking HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT that I had gotten about 4 minutes earlier seriously.

It was too late. The judgmental looks from DB along with some... "ohh....ok..."s was enough to make me want to drink myself to death that night.

Needless to say things did not work out with the Dude.  And DEFINITELY needless to say I did not become any cooler in DB's eyes that night.

Also in case you were wondering if I stuck to that pathetically improvised resolution:

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