Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Super Awesome Single Girl's Guide To Dying Alone

As a single girl with a PhD in this field, I KNOW that many of you envy my talents and really want to know how YOU can more effectively meet your demise without any glimmer of hope of a romantic relationship.  Look no further!  I am here to save the day [and you from meeting the man of your dreams]!  Just follow my advice and in no time, YOU TOO can join me in dying alone.  

Maybe someday we can grab a drink and talk about it, but probably not.  

Because I'll be busy. 

With nothing.

Which leads me to my first point:


I know it's Friday night, and you think you should probably go to your friend Jessica's birthday party at that really fun and crowded bar where lots of guys are usually there just to pay for your drinks and tell you you're pretty, but not you!  

You will be staying in tonight.  And all the other nights.  

Why, you ask?  

Because.  You just don't feel like going through the hassle of getting all dolled up to meet some loser who lives in his parents' basement, a frat house, or a double wide.  It's not worth it.  Besides, chances are he either already has a girlfriend, he's not looking for anything serious or isn't capable of any real intimacy anyway. 

He probably can't even drink hard liquor.  

You hate him already.

So STAY IN!  Maybe throw on some Battlestar Galactica, pour yourself a glass or seven[teen] of wine, and really focus on your loneliness.  

...I mean REALLY focus.  Maybe go through some old photos of you and your ex, look at your ever-shrinking bank account and listen to that really sad Adele song a few hundred times.  

Whew.  That was close.  Let's get back on track.


***Please note I did not say ONE cat*** 

Get SOME cats.  

This could mean 2, but hey, why stop there!  Feel free to get up to 4 cats (if you live in an apartment), 6 if you live in a house.  Why?  Cats are cute!  And they will suffice for an emotionally unavailable and inattentive boyfriend until your friends find your dead body one day and they've eaten all your soft parts so they wouldn't starve.

You also now have another excuse not to go to Jessica's party.

"You have to feed your cats."


You know what?  You've had a hard day.  Maybe don't shower tomorrow.  And brushing your teeth??  Please.  Looks like YOU'RE about to gain 1 to 2 minutes a day!

You're single!  And if you're lucky enough to live alone like me, NO ONE WILL EVEN BE THERE TO JUDGE [or marry] YOU.  EVER.

Why spend so much time in the shower when you could be doing other things like not going to Jessica's party, drinking, and working on your Adele karaoke cover?

For you newbies, this might take some getting used to.  Don't worry, I'm here to provide you with tips!

1.  Invest in perfume.

This way, if you start to smell OH WAIT NOW YOU SMELL AWESOME.

Here are some of my current favorites:

  • Omnia Crystalline by Bvlgari

  • J'Adore by Christian Dior

  • L'Eau D'Issey by Issey Miyake

2.   Baby powder your shit.

Ok, not your actual shit.  Mostly just your head.  Because you didn't shower today.  (Bonus points if you can actually still SEE some of the baby powder because you were going to be late for work.)

3.  Stop painting your nails.

In order to give guys that true "I don't give a fuck" vibe, maybe just leave your nails the way they are.  It's preferred that you were wearing a dark color that will slowly peel away [like your dreams of finding your soulmate] leaving an unattractive mess that won't quite disappear [ your dreams of finding your soulmate].  

(*If it does, repaint, but ONLY once it's completely gone.  Probably do a shitty job, too.)

4.  Get a "fat sweater."

Yep.  This is exactly what it sounds like. 

Get a sweater that will cover up the fact that maybe you haven't been to the gym in the past 28 years.  Those boys will never even see you coming (because they're confused and a little concerned about your ambiguous body shape).


Why would you want to put yourself in the position of being with another single person?  So you can go out and try to meet OTHER single people?!

Absolutely not.

Fortunately, I have the solution:  

Befriend ONLY married people.  Couples that are in a serious, committed relationship will do in a pinch, but are not ideal because hey what if that dude breaks up with his girlfriend one day? 

Spending all your free time with married couples ensures there is absolutely no possibility that you will be around single men who are interested in getting in the way of your dying alone.

Which leads me to my next point:


We all know that going somewhere outside of your normal routine might lead to meeting someone new, or meeting someone who knows someone that they think you would really like.  We also all know that this is in direct violation of the Dying Alone Mission, or D.A.M., as I call it.

I don't call it that.  Sometimes I lie.

...To avoid that horribly awkward thing where you meet a boy you're interested in, start talking and eventually are forced to go out on a date that might lead to a serious relationship and eventually marriage, don't go anywhere different.  Don't try new things.  And DEFINITELY, do NOT date.

I mean hellooo, dating leads to marriage.  And marriage leads to dying WITH someone (again, in direct violation of the D.A.M.).

SO, pick a local bar or two and just keep going there because it's convenient, possibly in walking distance, and you've already established that you have no romantic interest in any of the people that go there.  

***SIDE NOTE:  Avoid bars where attractive, single men your age that might share common interests hang out.***

If someone asks you out?  Immediately look for reasons to say no.  

Can't think of one?  




There are really two schools of thought on how to deal with this, so thank God I've double majored in both of them!


Because whatever you are doing with your girlfriends or on your phone is way more important than the 6'2" tall dark and handsome doctor that is giving you the eye.  Or trying to buy you a drink.  Or trying to buy you another drink.  Or waving a few times.  Or - ok he gave up.


You know what?  You WERE in the middle of a conversation with your friends at a public bar where it's socially acceptable to talk to new people when that guy interrupted and tried to get your phone number.  Doesn't he know you're TRYING to die alone???  You should probably tell him.  Maybe a little bit rudely because you've had a lot of vodka.  

And tequila.  

...And probably a shot of whiskey.

Well, I hope you've all learned a lot.  I know I have.  I feel confident that if you follow the steps and advice that I've laid out for you here, you can't fail in your aspirations to die alone.  And remember, if you ever find yourself in a bar alone, make sure to keep pen and paper on you so you can write this blog.