Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Neighbor, the Dickhole.

I moved in to my current apartment about a year and a half ago.  From day one I have had problems with my downstairs neighbor.  Let me rephrase: my downstairs neighbor is a crazy asshole and I have been dealing with it for a year and a half. 

I will go into detail, but the point of this entry is that I am moving out in 4 days.  And I want to leave him with a middle finger to remember me by.  I am going to come up with several scenarios and have people vote on what I should do in order to accomplish this.  This will be a long entry, but it needs to happen.

The day I got keys to my apartment, I went in to put some shelf paper in and do some minor things before I moved all my stuff in.  Within 30 minutes of being inside, I heard a knock at the door.

Encounter #1:

::Opened the door::

Me:  Hi

Him:  You moving in?

Me: ...Yep?

Him:  I'm in your carport.

Me: ...Ok...?

Him:  When are you moving in?

Me:  Well I won't be needing it until Thursday, so feel free to use it 'til then.

Him:  Ok.


So that was my first impression of him.  "Well, that was kind of awkward, but I'm sure it's no big deal."  Is what I thought.  I was wrong.

A few days later I was moving some of my stuff in.  I think I was carrying something fairly large, but I'm tough, I can handle it.

Encounter #2:

As I am about to head up the stairs...

Him:  Don't you have a boyfriend or a husband to help you with that? (I did not.)

(Also, creepy.)

Me: Nope!


About a week later I had my uncle over to help me put a few paintings up.  In addition, he cut a new rod to install in my closet to give me more space to hold the absurd amount of clothes that I have.  Well that apparently was a problem.  At 5 pm on a Saturday, the 45 seconds it took him to saw through the rod to make it the correct length became too much for my neighbor to handle. 

I was in my closet, but here is apparently what happened.

Encounter #3:

Dickhole enters my apartment.  My uncle walks out to find him standing in my living room.

Him: Don (my landlord) says he wants you to stop with the construction.  (Had been done for 10 min already.  Also had gotten permission from my landlord to do this.)

My uncle: Get out of here.


That was pretty much the only direct contact I have ever had with him.  After these encounters, I soon began to realize what kind of person I was dealing with.  Him and his girlfriend (?) never leave their apartment.  Ever.  They also smoke pot every single day, multiple times a day.  I have never walked up my stairs and not seen their TV on.  That is not an exaggeration.  I have literally never seen that TV turn off.  He drives a red VW stoner van, complete with floral window coverings and stickers everywhere (photo to be added later).  They have 2 little shitty dogs that are beyond annoying and bark constantly.  His girlfriend stares at me like him and I had some sort of crazy affair.

***Photo added as promised***

"Whatever."  I thought.  "A lot of people have issues with their neighbors.  I'm living in an apartment"  At this point, I didn't even really have issues with him, I just felt pretty uncomfortable, especially after he came into my apartment unannounced and uninvited.

Then the complaints started.

Let me preface this by saying, I work in property management at an apartment complex.  I deal with noise complaints and neighbor complaints all day, everyday, and therefore am extremely sensitive to being a quiet neighbor.  Also, I am a single girl, living alone.  I work 40 hours a week.  I spend a lot of those nights out with my friends.  I am rarely, rarely at home.  If I have people over, its a person.  I think one time I had 3 whole people there at once because we were eating dinner.  And they were all gone by 10 or 11.

My landlord called me to say that Dickhole was complaining that I have people over late, am extremely loud, etc.  The first time I was pretty shocked and explained to my landlord that that doesn't make sense, but I let it go. 

A few weeks later I was bringing home a painting.  It was late, probably about 1 in the morning.  I got up the stairs, opened my door, and as soon as I walked in - I dropped the painting.  "Crap."  I thought.  "Oh well." 

Then the banging started.  I dropped something by accident, and Dickhole began banging on my ceiling.

The next morning at 9 am, I get another call from my landlord.  "He says you were being really loud at 1 am."  "Don," I said, "I dropped a painting on my way in the door last night.  It was a split second.  This guy is crazy."  Don listened.  "This guy smokes pot 24/7, has his TV running constantly, has annoying little shits of dogs that bark all the time.  And I don't say anything.  Because I live in an apartment and I am aware of what comes along with that.  He needs to chill out and realize he chose to live underneath someone and buy a house if he has this many issues with apartment living." 

Don agreed.  He said he was going to call Dickhole and tell him he needs to back off and buy some ear plugs if he is that sensitive (which he did).

I felt relieved.  Finally this was over.


I should also add that this guy is a total pussy.  Everytime we pass each other in the common areas he avoids eye contact at all cost while I stare him down with my evil death stare.  I could totally take him. 

I left a small bag of trash outside my door a few times very briefly while I was preparing to leave for the day and take it out on my way out.  Dickhole/Dickhole's girlfriend snapped a picture of it, sent it to the HOA with a complaint so I received a nice little letter saying that "someone has complained about this issue and sent a picture of it."  I'm sure there are things I am leaving out, this is just what I can think of.

One night I had a friend over.  It was probably about 11 or so- again, only me and one other person.  We were just talking and messing around.  As a joke, my friend spit some water at me.  Of course, my natural tendency was to run away to avoid the water.

Apparently, this was another problem.

Dickhole banged on the ceiling.

Me and my friend were drinking so my friend decided to give it right back to him.  He jumped high in the air and came down with a loud thud.  The banging stopped. 


Wrong again.

Because then "the music" started.

"The music" had happened before.  But only once or twice so I let it go.  I put "the music" in quotes because it wasn't just music.  This was one CD.  One awful, awful, CD that this guy played, over, and over, and over, and over again.  To make things worse, it's some terrible 90's rock that I never was able to distinguish.  It's like, Creed meets Guns N' Roses meets Nickelback.  Terrible.  I hope someday, somehow, I actually hear this CD for more than its bass line because I will know it immediately and it will be hilarious.

"We should go give him another CD so at least we get to wake up to something decent."
-my boyfriend at the time. 

He plays this CD at an insanely loud volume.  Like, wakes-you-up-from-a-deep-sleep-and-immediately-throws-you-into-panic-mode loud.  I finally decided it was some type of alarm that the music was set to, because it was always early in the morning, and always at an earth shattering volume.

I didn't want to complain because I don't like complaining.  But it happened a few other times, so I finally decided to email my landlord about it.  I attached the email if you have any interest in reading it.  If not keep scrolling down...

Hey Don,
I called you this morning, but I just figured I’d send you an email. I absolutely hate complaining, especially with all the issues I have had with my downstairs neighbors. I also am pretty understanding of apartment living and realize that there is going to be a certain amount of compromise as we have previously discussed. That being said, this morning I woke up to extremely loud music being played at 7:30 am. I mean, ridiculously loud. It woke me up from a dead sleep. I stood in the shower and the tub was vibrating. This has happened about 5 times in the year that I have been there. Sometimes it is even on my day off, which is extremely irritating. The first time, and obviously second, third and fourth, I just let it go. It is just completely inconsiderate and rude. It doesn’t happen often, but it prevents me from sleeping which I can only continue to be understanding about for so long. Usually it’s for about 30 minutes, today it was over and hour and was still playing when I left for work. In a normal situation I would just ask my neighbor to please play their music at a respectful volume at such a ridiculous hour, but due to all the issues with them I really don’t feel comfortable doing that. I don’t want to start anything, I really just want to be able to sleep in my apartment. If there is anything you can do to facilitate a solution to the problem, I would really appreciate it. Feel free to call me if you have any further questions as well.  

I hoped this would be dealt with right away, but it was not.  And the music started happening at 5 am.  To make a long story short, it took Don forever to call this guy.  When he finally did, this is what happened.

Don:  So I called him..

Me:  And?

Don:  He's doing it on purpose.

Me:  WHAT????!

Don:  Yeah...he says he's doing it when he thinks you're loud the night before to retaliate against you.

Me:  So let me get this straight.  This miserable 40 something year old man is so unbelievably crazy that he is purposely trying to piss me off, when I am just living my life and trying to be a respectful neighbor?

Don: Yeah it sounds like it.

Me:  And there's nothing you can do?

Don:  Well I asked him to stop and he said no.  So you can go to the Home Owner's Association, but it's just going to be a he said she said issue.

Me:  Alright, well thanks I guess.

And that was that.  This asshole was doing this on purpose.

I began scheming about things I could do to get him back.  But I just gave up because I realized I am dealing with a child and nothing would ever come of it.

That is, however, until I decided to move.

And now, I am ready to 'retaliate.'  Because after Wednesday I will never have to see this douche again.  I have no idea how someone that is always high can be so vindictive and miserable.


I forgot to add that on Thursday, Dickhole played the music and purposefully skipped all the slower songs.  So I didn't get to hear the ballad that follows the first offensively terrible song.  I was so confused until it happened with all the slower songs (I have essentially memorized the entire CD).  This means he was actually sitting there, pressing "NEXT," in order to annoy me to the fullest extent.


So I am requesting your input.  And here is what I have come up with so far:

Scenario A:
  • Don't do anything.  I'm obviously the more mature adult in the situation, so I should just walk away, and never think about this guy again.
Scenario B:
  • Throw a rager on Tuesday night because I won't need to wake up there Wednesday morning.
Scenario C:
  • Find some shitty CD to leave on his shitty red van with a note saying something to the effect of:  "I figured you might want some new music since the one CD you listen to will probably give out soon.  Thanks for being a great neighbor!  XOXO."
Scenario D:
  • (This one was brought to my attention last night, but I am loving it.)  Go buy some piece of crap stereo, insert crappy CD, turn volume all the way up, lock door, leave forever. 
Submit your suggestion to me stat.  I have until Tuesday to make this decision.  I am leaning towards scenario C.  I will also include a photo of whatever I choose to do after it happens.  And don't feel bad, because this guy is a total dick.


  1. Let it go. You can't win. I've been in this EXACT position. It sucks. It's just luck of the draw. It's ok though because, that moron is gonna' have to deal with the next tenants and they're probably going to be WAY louder than you were. Fuck 'em.

  2. scenario D is what i was thinking ever since you brought up "the music". it's perfect, cruel, and you should leave a video camera in there to catch his reaction. or leave the stereo outside his door.

  3. You are WAY too nice. We have a similar neighbor downstairs we refer to as "the troll". My dog knocked over a broomstick one night and she was banging on the floor. She does this whenever the slightest noise is made after 9pm, even on the weekends. She often comes up to the door to scream at us. She's a homely 40-something year old that never leaves the house and has the TV on all day.

    I was thinking of bringing her a gift basket with ear plugs, Xanax, and a cutout of Robert Pattinson to keep her busy at night.

  4. D wins hands down. Might I suggest the following for their delicate listening pleasure: Yoko Ono's Onobox. Or anything you can find by Wing Han Tsang.

  5. I say you do B, C , and D hit this guy with everything you got and show him who is boss

  6. B AND D! Lol. That is hilarious! I'm so sorry though, that is a shitty situation.

  7. offers free classified ads. If you know their phone number, create an ad that people won't be able to refuse. How about a 2000 BMW with 50,000 miles for $500. Selling, of course, due to moving or a death in the family. Put their number on the ad and people will be calling day and night. If you can spend a few bucks, take out an ad in AutoTrader. They'll get calls for months on end!

    You could even do an ad for a really expensive home entertainment system/stereo which might be appropriate.

    Here is another idea:
    You can order some gay magazines in his name and have them mailed in his name to the next door neighbor's address. If you look online, you will find magazines that you can order with a "pay later" option. He'll get weird looks for sure when your neighbor brings it to their door.

    Hope this helps!

  8. I have a dickhead neighbor like that. A police officer, or in his case PIG. He pulled crap for like this for 15 years. I own my home. Started the day I moved in and he stood out in the street and took down our license plate numbers while it was obvious we were the new owners. I asked him to be discreet in the future if he felt any more need to do this, as I didn't want my friends to feel uncomfortable visiting me. Well, he doesn't like to be questioned or have suggestions made to him. This lead to trash in my yard, diapers in my yard, he even hung his wife's nasty underware in my fence with the crotch facing where I would be standing if I were to use one of my trash cans. After one of his brats that he had by now produced broke my window, and when I went to tell him he tried to throw a ball in my face by surprise, I decided to let his superiors know this. I had pictures and wittnesses. This made him mad and so he decided to scare me on day on the freeway during a chance encounter. Naturally his superiors did nothing and merely laughed when I called the cops.

    Well, after freeway fun, he found himself with a restraining order and a court date--not good for popo. Needless to say, he appreciated getting a second chance at NOT losing his job and he NOW knows his place. His brats even walk on needles.

    His wife isn't terribly fond of him either. She still lives in their big house, even though they are divorced. And she brings her boyfriend around every weekend. snicker

    The next person who I ever have to deal with who acts like this, isn't going to get ANY mercy.