Monday, January 31, 2011

The Glory That Is Target

Imagine, if you will, a place.  A place free from the harsh judgement of the unforgiving world.  A place where you can go and find everything you need, and more.  A place where all of your dreams can come true with a turn of a shopping cart.  A place where every aisle is paved with endless possibilities.  If you are thinking, "I would love to go to this place, but it obviously doesn't exist," you're very, very wrong.  And I've been there, my friends. 


There is something about this glorious store that transcends age, gender (maybe not gender), religion, political views, and brings us together as Americans who all say, "Hey, I like cheap shit too."

I did not fully comprehend the extent of my love for this store until recently. 

I won a sales contest at work for which I was supposed to receive $35 to a restaurant of my choice.  When my manager came up to me a month later offering a $25 gift card to TJ Maxx and a $5 (????) gift card to Target, I was not offended by the fact that I was shorted $5 of my prize as well as denied the opportunity to select which restaurant I would like to enjoy.  I was offended that I was offered only $5 to Target, and an embarrassing $25 to TJ Maxx.

First of all, I do not want to appear ungrateful, but $5???  What is that, lunch money to a 2nd grader?  I almost would have rather had the whole amount to TJ Maxx, but I say almost because I wouldn't really. 

$5 to Target is better than $0 to Target.

A quick aside, I hate TJ Maxx.  I hate Ross.  I hate Marshall's.  I hate Loehmann's.  All of these stores plus any others I am forgetting are poor excuses for upscale thrift stores.  If you like thrift stores, I'm sorry and forgive me for offending.  And maybe skip this next part.

I hate thrift stores.  I used to pretend that I liked them because it was the cool thing to do.  I'd be all, "Ohhh I love vintage stuff and digging through a bunch of shit in hopes of finding one decent thing that I might wear once or twice more"- with everyone else.

I realize now that I was only lying to myself and I truly, hate them.  They smell, I am impatient and don't have time for them.  Also nothing ever fits.  Ever. 

Back to these 'versions' of thrift stores.  In each of these stores I do nothing but wander aimlessly, hoping to find something worthy of the gas I spent to get there.  I am disappointed, every...single...time. 

I couldn't even find anything in the Home Goods section, of "the good TJ Maxx." 

My reasons for this are twofold:

1. There is no "good" TJ Maxx. 
2. They all suck.

I guess that's really just one fold, but I feel like it is deserving of two folds of suckage because of how much it sucks.  It took me an hour to walk out with a medicine cabinet that I'm still thinking might have been a mistake.  It's probably a mistake.

I guess that wasn't so much a quick aside.

So anyway, when my (female,btw) manager handed me the TJ Maxx card for $25 and the Target card for $5 because, "It's always hit and miss for me at Target, so I figured you would like this," she may has well have called my mother a whore or insulted How I Met Your Mother.  Both equal cardinal sins in my book.

What.  Female.  Chooses.  TJ Maxx over Target?!?!?!??!  Just now I had to sit here for a few minutes and stare at the screen because I didn't know how exactly to express my rage and sadness through words. 

Let's talk about the awesomeness that is Target.

Where else can you find decently stylish clothes, super cute home decor, the least expensive CD's around, and a variety of other treasures?  All at a ridiculously low price that cannot be beat, except maybe by Walmart (but screw that place I'd rather watch football, so you know I'm pretty serious about never wanting to go there)?  Yes please!

Every shelf is adorned with a virtual cornucopia of knick knacks and surprises.  Every bar draped with new and interesting clothing that is getting better and even more stylish every day. 

At one point I was like, "the only way this store could get better is if they were also a grocery store so I would never have to leave."

And then they did it again.  They have answered all of my needs.  I can even buy alcohol at a low low price without leaving the comfort of this wonderful place. 

It's like Narnia.

That's right.  To me, Target = Narnia.

And  I never want to leave.

Except I have to cause I eventually run out of money.  And by eventually I mean very quickly.

Target, I salute you.

And you should probably hire me, because I would sell the shit of your store on my blog.

1 comment:

  1. The only females who prefer tjmaxx are over the age of 65... or live in missouri and its bordering states.