Monday, January 24, 2011

Top 5 Things That Annoy Me While Driving

Today I cut someone off.  It was totally my bad.  I didn't mean to, I just incorrectly judged the amount of I time I had to make the turn in front of the oncoming car that wouldn't make me an asshole.  The guy I cut off was not pleased.  He flashed his brights, honked his horn for an inappropriate amount of time, etc. 

But then I realized that all I had to do was let this guy know, "Hey, I messed up, and I'm sorry.  Let's be friends."  So I smiled and waved (which I realize also makes me look like a smug jerk, I am also ok with this-explanation to follow).  He was not amused, but I felt pretty good about it.  And that's all that matters!

So here is another Top 5 Blog.  This one is dedicated to things that piss me off about driving/other drivers/general shittiness about driving.

Warning: There will probably be a fair amount of swearing in this entry.  Cause these things really fucking piss me off.

5. Doing Something Douchey and then Avoiding Eye Contact

If you do something shitty to someone else on the road, the LAMEST thing to do is to pretend like nothing happened, and that there isn't an angry driver giving you the finger in the car to your left.  I'm just saying. 

Take ownership of your douchiness.

If you cut me off and I catch up to you at the light, maybe give me a little wave that says, "I fucked up, but I know it.  And I'm sorry."  Or, "Yeah, I cut you off, and I'd do it again!  DEAL WITH IT."  Either one I will respect.

What I do not respect is pulling up next to someone at a stoplight who totally just pulled a dickhead move on the road, looking over, and seeing a guy/girl staring off into space, pretending they don't know that my eye-laser beam of hatred is boring into the side of his/her skull.

4. Cutting Me Off, and then Slowing Down

Ok, look.  I get it.  For some reason, you really need to pass me- RIGHT NOW.  So you speed up like an asshole and cut me off.  If that's where it ends, awesome...and you're still a dick.  But don't make it exponentially worse by then slowing down.  You just cut me off because I wasn't going fast enough!  Fine! 

SO SPEED THE FUCK UP AND KEEP DRIVING.  Because if you don't, you're just an asshole.

3. Cat Calling/Leering/Honking at Me While Driving/at a Stoplight

Really guys?  Really?  What do you think is going to happen?  When did this become socially acceptable?  And has anyone ever really met someone through this?  Because that must be why it keeps happening, right???  Someone, somewhere, hit on a chick while driving and they hit it off and got married? 


Yeah-I didn't think so.

If I am at a stoplight, in your little minds, what do you foresee happening?

Guy:  Hey baby. ::honk honk::

Me:  ::Giggling:: Who me?  OMG!  You think I'm cute?  AND YOU DRIVE???  We should totally make out give each other hickeys!

Then I guess we pull over and do that?  Or maybe I just jump out of my car and into his. 

He's probably got candy and puppies in there.

And if I am driving, like freeway driving, what on earth am I supposed to do?  No really. Tell me.  I would love to hear these responses.

"Well, I'll say my phone number, you read my lips and decipher it, and then call me!"

"I will use sign language and sign my phone number and name to you!  Call me!"

"You should totally take the next exit!  I will also do that!  Then we will talk!"

"Put your car in neutral, exit through your window, I will totally catch you!  LOL!"

I should note that I am in no way interested, but am just wondering what the men who partake in this behavior are hoping to accomplish.  (Correct answer is nothing, btw.)

2. Not Using Your Turn Signal Before Turning

Because there is obviously no functional purpose for the plastic stick to the side of your steering wheel.  I mean, why did they even include that in the car?  It just takes up space and confuses people.

Except it doesn't.  And you should use it.  TO TURN!  Concept, I know.

It is especially bothersome when I am going straight, and you are turning (but I don't know you're turning because you're an asshole who doesn't use your turn signal), and instead of continuing to cruise along at 40 mph, I have to slam on my breaks to avoid hitting your dumb ass because I had no idea it was your intention to turn.  Which is, again: why turn signals were invented!

***1. Not Using Your Turn Signal Before Changing Lanes***

This is without a doubt, my biggest pet peeve.  I'm already in a worse mood for writing this blog - and now I'm just irritated in general.  I know I just wrote about turning without using your turn signal, but there is something about changing lanes without signaling that is the ultimate middle finger to me.

And I think I figured out why.

When you change lanes in front of me and use your turn signal, I think, "I'm so glad I could facilitate this (insert make and model of vehicle) in changing lanes.  I hope he arrives at his destination in good spirits and in a timely manner, also."

But when you do not use your turn signal, it is a different story.

Because when you change lanes in front of me without signaling, my brain interprets it like this:


In all honesty, there could be plenty of room in between me and the next car.  It doesn't matter.  Because there is something that is triggered deep within my psyche and I immediately want revenge.  And I hate you.


  1. "AND YOU DRIVE???" haha that made me laugh.

  2. This blog reminded me of that Disney cartoon where Goofy gets behind the wheel & instantly turns into a raging maniac. You're funny. Thanks for posting this. :)

  3. You forgot to add the macho male driver who slows down, and "lingers" at a red light/stop sign then sizes you up as the only one watching and then decides to just run the light/sign while staring at me right in the face as if to say "Yeah? Well, prove it, Bitch."

    I am assuming this is someone who loathes authority even more than he does women.

    And, yes, this kind of blatent f. u. to road rules is something I've observed on several occasions in the Southland.