Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Stupidest Commercial I Have Seen In A Long Time

First, take a minute and watch this.  I'm sure many of you have already seen it.


Now let's reflect on the many layers of stupid.

Picture this:

You just had a great night out.  You're with your spouse/significant other/family, possibly partying like rock stars (or like  Lori?  What's the plural of a loris?) and enjoying the evening.  You come home, ready to go to bed/get freaky/watch America's Next Top Model/whatever.  You open the door...

...And all your shit is gone.

Now I don't know about you, but the furthest thing from the reaction that I would have is what this guy does.

"Ah...we got robbed." 

That's it. 

Not, "WE GOT ROBBED?!?!?!?!?!?" or "Oh my god, we've been robbed, call the police!"  No.  He says, "we got robbed" much the way I decline to super size things via drive through.  A little bummed and conflicted.

I freak out when I don't know where the mate to my sock is.  If I walked into my apartment and I had been robbed, it's very possible I would just implode or explode right on the spot.  And then whoever I was with would have to deal with all the mess and finding homes for my cats and telling my family and loved ones, etc.

Moving on.

Mr. and Mrs. Stupid walk through their home and point out everything that has been taken.  They (robbers) took the flat screen, and the sound system, blah blah blah.  Again, the tone to me sounds more like and indifferent conversation about where to go for dinner that night: "I don't know, I mean I could go for Chinese, but then I could also go for Mexican...."

And now the plot thickens. 

The robbers did not steal their shitty desktop computer.


Still failing to properly focus on what has been stolen, they jump to the obvious and rational next step in dealing with the robbery. 

"Maybe it's time for a new one."  -Mrs. Stupid regarding their computer


I realize this is a commercial for Windows 7/Staples, but COME ON!

I can think of like, 10 other things I would do before replacing my desktop computer that I probably never used in the first place.

For example:

Call my insurance company? 

File a police report???

Cry like a girl because they took all my Sex and the City DVD's????

Nope.  The Stupids head over to their local Staples to replace THE ONE THING THAT DIDN'T GET STOLEN. 

I spent the last 10 minutes thinking about how I would have designed the commerical to make more rational sense. 

Like, maybe if I hired Natalie Portman and Colin Firth to play the couple, and instead of "Ahh...we were robbed..,"  Natalie could fall to the ground crying in a dramatic fit, "NOT THE TV!!!  GOD NOT THE TV!!  THAT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER'S TV OMG MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!"

And then Colin could swoop down from his stallion and pick her up and say, "We have to be strong, dammit!  We are going to make it through this...TOGETHER!" And then they would deal with the consequences of being robbed.

...but here's the problem:

There is absolutely no way I could justify them needing a new computer right then and there.  There's no way.  There are 2 solutions to this:

1.  It cannot be a commercial for Windows 7/Staples.  Because it just doesn't work.  It does not make sense for them to go out and spend money on something that wasn't stolen within the span of the commercial.

2.  It needs to be a commercial for the TV that the robbers actually did steal.  But honestly, even then it's still stupid.  Because people being robbed does not make for a good commerical-period.  UNLESS it's for a security system.

It's the only way.

Which brings us to the best part of the commercial:

After the Staples employee gives them all the information about their new computer and explains how everything works, Mr. Stupid looks at Mrs. Stupid, prized laptop in hand, and says (also, this is the most emotion he has shown throughout the entire commercial), "now this is something they would steal!" 

Ok, FIRST of all, really???  You just got robbed, and your primary goal was to get something ELSE that the robbers that stole from you would steal, what, the second time around??  I would be embarrassed first for even having the thought, then for saying it out loud, and then because other people heard me say it.

I feel like my mind just exploded.

Mrs. Stupid looks at him in idiotic agreement and giggles...and the commercial ends.

Oh and maybe now they get back to real life where they wake up to the unforgiving fact that their home was robbed.  And now they need to call the police.  And their insurance company.  And replace their stolen items.  And maybe invest in a security system. 

Although after watching them in the commercial they have to be the easiest fictional couple to steal from in the world.

I feel like if I went to their home after this happened and broke in, and he woke up in the middle of the night and spooked me so I bailed on the job, he would run after me with the laptop in hand and yell, "Wait!!!  It has all our baby pictures and tax information!!!!!  It will be very useful!!!  I DID THIS FOR YOU!!!!"

I want to go rob them just because they're idiots.  I just might have to travel through Narnia to find this fictional couple.  But that's a risk I'm willing to take. 


  1. You're missing the point: Laptops are essentially worthless and outdated the second you buy them. I wouldn't steal a new one (especially if they bought it from a retail store, those are 3 months behind the curve!)

    ... I'm a nerd...

  2. Well, right, but that's a whole other topic

  3. MAAAYYYBBEEEEE... they hated all their stuff and had insurance, so they were actually happy to be robbed since they could get all new stuff, but since their computer wasn't stolen they couldn't use insurance to cover their computer costs. Bummer for them!!! If only the douchebag thief would have stolen their computer! And maybe they lost all their photo albums and precious baby photos in a fire last year, so they look at being robbed in a different light - at least they have their lives and each other. This is a family that has seen rough times and never gives up and always tries to look positively at every situation life throws them. Now that I think about it, this might be the most inspirational commercial ever made.

  4. I've never thought of it that way. On second thought, I rescind aforementioned commentary about this commercial.

  5. On second second thought, I don't know if I can give them that much credit despite your brilliant theory.

  6. I was going to pose D's theory (Insurance... goldmine!) but the thing is his "we got robbed" reaction would have been "WE GOT ROBBED!! YES!!!!" as opposed to the "We got robbed." (as in, like it happened again).

    I think the commercial should have ended with them at home going to sleep on their hardwood floor, setting their computer alarm to wake them and falling asleep by the glow of a screensaver.

    But your story of Colin Firth riding up on his horse is the best intro by far.