Thursday, May 5, 2011

Top 5 Things A Man Should Never Say To A Woman

These don't have to be things said in a relationship.  It can be any type of relationship:  Coworker, boyfriend, friend, etc.  The point is, there are just certain things you don't say to a girl.  Because I said so.

5.  "Sex and the City is stupid."  (Idea by Nick Parsons)



Sex and the City is awesome.  And you're stupid.

4. "You look tired..."  (Idea by Lindsay Montefu)

You know what?  You look like an asshole.  I'm tired because I spend my days dealing with your bullshit.  And looking pretty.  And being awesome.  And you look tired because you spend all your time masturbating.  And being an asshole.

3.  "I'm a better driver than you."

Maybe if you got off your high horse and didn't back seat drive, it wouldn't be an issue.  First of all, you are not God's gift to driving.  You make mistakes too.  We're just nice enough to pretend we don't notice.

Return the favor. 

You know what, I'm not even going to do a 'second of all.'  Just re-read the 'first of all.'

I actually prefer to be driven around rather than to drive, but that being said I am a damn fine driver if I do say so myself.  (Never mind the car I totaled in 2006.)  Besides, men statistically get more speeding tickets than women (yes, I even did the research) AND at least women are smart enough to be able to talk our way out of them.  So there.

2.  "Will you be my girlfriend??? you ask me."

Enough said.  Read my Creep Five entry.

And finally, what prompted me to write this blog:

***1. "Is it because you're on your period?"***

Listen assholes.  You have NO idea what "being on your period" is like. 

Having a period is probably the WORST thing in the world.  Except for sharks. 

IT IS MISERABLE.  Not only do we get to deal with bleeding from our genitals for 4-7 days, but it totally mind-fucks us as well.

Everything makes us cry.

Everything is shitty.

Everything is the end of the world.

Please note:  This is not something we actively choose to participate in.  No one wants to be crazy for a week out of every month. 

***EVERY MONTH!*** That means we spend approximately 3 months a year bleeding and having meltdowns over which color nail polish we want to wear that day or wondering why no guy will ever amount to the guy from the Notebook.

The truth is, we don't even know we're being crazy most of the time.  It just happens.  And then every once in a while we'll catch a glimpse of reality and realize, "Ohhh...I guess crying because Starbucks is out of Chai for the day is a little crazy..."  And "I'm sorry I tried to break up with you because you asked if my shirt was new when I actually had worn it on our first date."

It's miserable.  We feel fat, ugly, emotional and irritated.  Not to mention the debilitating cramps that force us into fetal position for hours on end. 

So guys, shut up.  You don't get to ask us if anything is "because you're on your period."  Ever.  I feel like comments like this should be considered the equivalent of a racial slur...I guess a gender slur?  Let's start that up. 


And when you bleed from the tip of your penis for 4-7 days, have to deal with mind numbing cramps, and turn into an emotional zombie, THEN you can ask us if we're upset because "we're on our periods."  Until then, you can all eat shit.

(No, I'm not on my period.)

*Oh and thanks to everyone for your ideas...that was fun*


  1. you cant be happy after this type of post.
    do you need a hug and/or ice cream?

  2. Haha I'm actually quite happy, but these are still fun for me to write ;) It was a quick note on a draft I did from a while ago that I went back to and elaborated on

  3. Laser Sharks on their periods are probably the worst thing ever.

  4. Oh my god. Thank you for writing my next post for me. Epic.

  5. would the sharks get all confused on their period? they would smell blood in the water, but its not quite the meal they were hoping for... or do they want to earn their red wings?

  6. I think they would get confused and then start crying because they were confused

  7. I would feel bad for the sharks, but then again. They are the reason I dont go swimming in the ocean.

  8. Oh yeah. If you're going to swim in the ocean you pretty much deserve the Laser Sharks.