Friday, February 25, 2011

Thanks, Mom.

When you're young, you will believe pretty much anything your parents tell you.  Which is totally cool, unless your mom is my mom.

My mom has a pretty healthy sense of humor, and therefore saw no problem with messing with her child's impressionable mind.  I've already explained how she added to my phobia of sharks

Today I had lunch with my mom and I remembered some of the ridiculous things she did or told me that probably made me look like a kid that rode the special bus.

"If you put salt on a bird's tail, it won't be able to fly anymore."

False.  If you put salt on a bird's tail, the bird is slow, and deserves to have salt on its tail.  It will not stop it from flying.

However, this had me running around like an idiot for years.  All I wanted in life was to hold a damn bird.  As a child I had pretty much every type of animal known to man....except a bird.  That was one my mom would never allow.  So she would sit back and laugh as I ran around with my arms outstretched and a packet of opened salt prepped and ready.

I never ended up catching one.  8:(

"Salad tongs will chase away the monsters."

Yes.  If you clang together metal salad tongs, all your problems will be solved.  The monsters will retreat back into the closet/under your bed/etc.  So when I got scared at night, my mom had me sleep with salad tongs under my pillow to ward off the monsters.  And I layed in bed clanging them together like no one's business.

And what do you know, it worked.  I never saw one.

"Open Sesame."

This is what my mom told me was necessary to say - out loud - in order to get an automatic door to a store open.  And I believed it.  So I stood in front of the sensor and commanded the door to open, and it always did.  It was like I had Jedi mind powers.  I could do anything...

Ok, this lie was pretty sweet the more I think about it.

However, the more I grew up, the more I wised up to her nonsense.

Aside from the little stories and old wives tales she would convince me of, she would also try to get my brother and I on board with trips, games, crazy ideas, etc. 

One thing that I will never forget it when she came to us ecstatic about the idea of a family vacation...

...where you walk llamas.

That's right.  You go to the mountains, walk llamas, sleep, repeat.  This was my mom's idea of family bonding.

To make matters worse (or better?) this place was called "Como Se Llama."  You each get a llama, and the llama holds your things.  You walk the llama.  You don't get to ride the llama, you walk the llama. 

As a teenager, this was the opposite of a cool vacation.

I might have been on board if you could ride the llama.

My mom also buys the weirdest things - ever.  She is the reason they have the Carnival of Products at the Orange County Fair.  She is the reason people make catalogs of random crap and send it out to "Current Resident."  She is the reason stores put their random crap on clearance to make sure someone buys it no matter how weird it is.

Here is what my mom bought herself last fall:

The game is called Mind Flex - you can see the box in the background.  This game cost her $80.  And yes, she thinks she is controlling that ball with her mind.  What she is failing to admit to herself is the fan on that white platform that is....moving the ball.

When I came over she was so excited to show me this game.  She told me to try it, but I refused to put that ridiculous headgear on because I totally thought I was getting Punk'd and the point of the game was to make you look like a complete idiot.  She was pretty upset that no one would play with her...even though it's clearly a 1 person game.  <--- (?) 

So that's my mom for you.  Many of you have met her, and probably have more funny stories to add to this. 

If you haven't, it can be arranged.


  1. OMG. I think I AM your mom. Como Se Llama only sounds like the BEST vacation ever. AND I have had Mind Flex on my amazon wishlist for like 2 years.

  2. I just died laughing at this comment in agreement