Friday, February 4, 2011

Awesomeness For Hire

I am now entering the phase in my life where I feel like I need to begin to develop some sort of a career path.  Working in property management, or customer service in general for that matter, is officially not for me. 

Usually when I tell people this, they say, "Well, what do you want to do???"

My reply to this is a depressing, "I have no idea."

That's usually followed by a, "Well, what are you good at?  What do you like to do?"

To which, sadly, my reply is also, "I really don't know.  I'm kind of going through a thing."

"Well, you went to college right?  What is your degree in?"

"English Literature."

"Do you want to teach?  Write?"

"Not particularly."

This is where most people give up- and I don't blame them. I'm tempted to give up as well.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  I don't have some great passion for a certain occupation or field, and I don't have some sort of calling that pulls me in any particular direction, which makes where I'm at in life difficult.  I know I'll eventually figure it out, so I'm not worried.  But everytime this conversation occurs, it's a crappy and constant reminder that I suck at figuring my life out.

I try to think of things that I like and think about what career path that would lead me down.

Unfortunately for me, it's not that simple.

What am I good at?  A lot of really, awesome things.  Things I never really considered making a career out of...

...until now.

I have developed a list of jobs I would be/am really good at.  If anyone is interested, please contact me immediately.  I assure you I will exceed every expectation in any of these jobs.  I am very reliable, have my own car, and take things very, very seriously.

Professional Money Spender

Qualifications:  I am really, really good at spending money.  Like, superhero good.  I have been spending money for as long as I can remember and am extremely experienced.  I am very passionate about spending money, and therefore have dedicated a lot of time to learning how to spend it.  (I'm the person that goes Christmas shopping and ends up spending hundreds on stuff for me...guilty.)  I will spend the crap out of anything you give me.  And I can do this very quickly and efficiently so you can go about the rest of your day, enjoy your meetings and rest assured that your money is being well spent.  On really cool things.

Salary Requirements:  All you have to do is give me a sum of money, and I will spend it.  I don't even have to be shopping for myself, though that is much preferred. 

Overly Sensitive Food Critic

Qualifications:  I love food.  So, so much.  And I have an overly sensitive palette which makes me do weird things like recognize that there is a hint of nutmeg in the mashed potatoes or notice that a restaurant is using a different grade of meat than the previous night.  I should probably be a food critic.  Except I won't try anything weird.  And I don't like seafood. 

Salary Requirements:  Lots of money for me to spend.  Lots of free food.

Witty/Sarcastic Quip Girl

Qualifications:  You can always count on me to make an inappropriate comment.  I am also good at being witty at times.  If you pay me, I will follow you around and insert jokes, both appropriate and inappropriate, when I feel they are necessary.  This will probably happen more than you are comfortable with.

Salary Requirements:  This I'll do for free.  Because I crack myself up.  Donations are appreciated.  But mostly, they're required.

Cute Kitten Picker-Outter

Qualifications:  I love kitties.  They are really cute.  But I am not allowed to get anymore because that would make me a crazy cat lady at 26.  I am really good at picking out cute ones though.  I can find them anywhere.  So if you need a new kitty, I will find you a really cute one.  You will then have to pry it from my hands.

Salary Requirements:  1 kitt--dang it :(  I guess I'll settle for a lot of money and free food.

Professional Disneyland Attendee

Qualifications:  I go to Disneyland a lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  That being said, I think Disney should hire me to professionally attend their theme park.  I could promote the park by wearing black clothing, because Mickey's ears are also black.  I would also complain about long lines, because people standing beside me might realize, "Hey, life's not that bad."  And then look, I changed some people's lives.  In conclusion, I think I would be a really good addition to the Disneyland team.

Salary Requirements:  Obviously, I would require a free annual pass.  And obviously free corn dogs for life.

Professional Awesome Dancer

I know what you're all thinking.  "Morgan, why did you not put this first?  This is so obviously your calling in life."  You're probably right, and I'm probably cheating myself by not being a professional dancer.

Qualifications:  Ok.  If you have ever been to Glowfest, ElecTRONica, Vegas, or any type of club/dance floor with me, you know that I am seriously, seriously awesome.  To the point where everyone pretty much stops dancing and stares at me with jealousy because of my awesomeness.  So yes.  I am very, very qualified to be an extremely professional, awesome dancer.

Salary Requirements:  Alcohol.  Lots of alcohol.  Typically some type of high heels, and  also lots of money.

I think it goes without saying that I should probably be an artist as well .  Because I'm really good at drawing.  But I'll leave that up to you.  

So there you have it.  I would need to give my current job a two week notice, so please give me the appropriate amount of notice when you want to hire me. 

P.S.  I can probably do more than one of these things at a time, so keep that in mind.

P.P.S.  I will also need an expense account that works for online shopping.


  1. Monique and I were talking about your blog the other day. We both think you're funny. Obviously