More About My Mom

For those of you who have not met my mom (which I guess is most of you reading this), she's actually pretty hilarious.  She has a great sense of humor, and the older I get the closer we get. 

In fact, last week we got drunk at a bar together for the first time in, ever, and I found out we're pretty much the exact same person under the unfluence of alcohol. 

In other words, my mom is awesome.

BUT

If there is one thing that my mother is comically bad at, it's that she is TERRIBLE at giving me gifts.
This is an account of some of these.

*disclaimer in case she reads this I love you mom and my gifts this year were awesome also you are so pretty and have nice hair and are the best mom in the whole world.


EXHIBIT A:    THE SHOE WINE HOLDER

Our journey begins with a recent item.

This year, for my birthday, in order to avoid any awkward gifts and really to get something I actually wanted/needed, I specifically said:  "Mom...I need money.  I don't need things.  I have enough things.  All I need is money to pay my bills, so whatever you were going to get me  just give me to money for my birthday this year."

What she said:  OK!

What she meant:  OK!  ....But I'm still gonna mostly just get you some random shit.

Because I got this:

Now, if you've ever wondered to yourself, "what is the most awkward way to store wine??? 

Wonder no more.  For here ^ is the answer.

Half shoe, half wine holder, all unbelievably ridiculous.

Now, God bless my mom for trying.  She knows I am fairly "fashionable," she knows I like wine, "so why not mix the two together??" she thought.

Here's why:

Now, let's go back....

...Let's go back. 

...To about high school time...

EXHIBIT B:  THE KISSING BEARS

"What a cute gift!" one might think...

....if they were in a relationship, or ten years old.

True as that may be, my mother gave this to me one Valentine's Day after my high school boyfriend and I broke up.

As if to say, "I know you're sad now, but just look at these bears who have found their soul mate to remind you that you're still alone and do not have a soul-mate bear and in ten years you will still be alone, but at least there are cats involved."

EXHIBIT B:    THE 99 CENT PHOTO ALBUM

There is no photo of this, because I actually gave it back to my mom, who still has it in the hall closet as I confirmed on Christmas this past week.

Here's the story:

This was probably five years ago.  ...Which was still about a few years after physical picture taking/collecting died out.  Sure there are still those people who put together fancy albums, but I'm definitely not one of them.  And since I still lived at home at the time, my mom definitely knew that.

So she gives me this photo album. 

I saw the "Border's Books & Music" logo on the sticker on the back, and decided that I was going to go return it for store credit.  I figured, even if it's like, 5 bucks, I can still get a book I'd rather read instead.

So I take it up to the cashier:

Me: Yeah, this was a gift and I was hoping to get store credit for it.

Cashier: Do you have the receipt?

Me: No, it was a gift.

Cashier: Hmm...ok, but I'll only be able to give you credit for whatever it rings up as.

Me: Totally fine.

Cashier: ...Um...it looks like it was purchased for 99 cents.

Me: WHAT?! Seriously?

Cashier: Yeah...

Me: Wow.  Well, I mean I'm not gonna use it, so I guess I'll take the store credit.

Cashier: Um...actually...we can't issue a gift card for that low of an amount

Me:   :c

And to this day, it sits, unused, unscrapbooked and apparently unloved.

WHICH brings us up to date (although I am sure I am forgetting things, which I will most likely add to this entry as I think of them).

After Christmas, I am proud to say I have a new addition to my cornucopia of random shit:

EXHIBIT D:   THE PURSE POST-IT DISPENSER

This one is very similar to the shoe wine holder. 

My mom's train of thought:

1. She likes purses.
2. She probably uses post-its.
3. There is no way she wouldn't enjoy a combination of the 2.

My train of thought:

1. What the FUCK am I going to do with this purse post it dispenser? 

To bring this entry to a close, while it may seem like I'm making fun of my mom, I actually find it pretty hilarious and endearing.

It has become something that I now look forward to, and that you might now too.

(Mother, if you're reading this, I love you.)

The Beer Theory

I have a theory.

It involves beer.

It is this:

Could the way in which you drink a beer dictate how committed you are in relationships??

Let's discuss.

The other evening I went out with some friends to the Stone Brewery for some drinks and general merriment.  My friend and her boyfriend were next to me, and everyone else was just kind of milling around.

To be perfectly honest, I'm kind of a boring beer drinker, myself.  I'm not super into all the craft beers.  Fat Tire is probably my favorite, followed by Japanese beers when I'm in the mood for something lighter.

However, my friends are a different story.  These are the friends I go to Beerfest with. These are the friends that are interested in trying specific beers at Beerfest versus just drinking all of the beers to get smashed (me).

Anyway, my friend Susan asked the waiter, "do you have anything with a licorice flavor to it?"

Waiter:  Yeah...well, we have this #$#% (????) beer which is a light licorice flavor, or the #@%* (???) beer which is a much stronger licorice taste.

Susan:  I really like licorice, I'm gonna go with the heavier tasting one.

Waiter:  Are you sure?  It's really a commitment.

Susan:  Yep.

Ok, so, red flag:  A waiter describing a beer as "a commitment"?  Probably something I would avoid.  (what does that mean omg?!?!?)

So Susan gets the beer.  About half way through, she gives up.  A few minutes after that, she gives the second half of the beer she has rejected to her boyfriend.

WHICH, sparked this conversation.

Could her lack of commitment to her beer mirror her lack of commitment to her relationship?!?!

Ok sure, we were all drunk.  But just go with me here for a minute.

Maybe her lack of committing to the beer is going to rear its ugly head in her relationship!  Maybe the fact that she WANTED to commit to the beer, but just simply couldn't finish it.

And by passing off the excess to her BOYFRIEND?!  The possibilities!

Think about it.  Do you chug your beer without even really tasting it?  Do you slowly sip it?  Do you drink half your beer and then move on to another one because you're super bored with the original beer you chose and then after realizing the new beer is not even that great come crawling back to your original beer because you made the biggest mistake of your life???

If so, you might be saying a lot about yourself in a relationship!  You might also not be, but you also might be, mostly.  Also.

Me?  I'm committed to my beer.  I don't venture out to the crazy beers that I don't know if I'll like because hey, I paid money for them, I'd better frickin' drink them.  I never leave a beer unfinished.

So I guess I know what I like.  And I make my decisions wisely.

Now if I could JUST stop deciding on such douchey guys beers...