Monday, June 27, 2011

American Food, I Am Your Bitch.

Dear American Food (Mostly cheese, but also, other things.  But mostly cheese.),

I have missed you so much.  I'm so sorry that it took me leaving the country to realize what you mean to me.  I know I have taken you for granted and I know you might not want to forgive me right away, but I hope we can make amends.  I need you in my life, forever.  Especially, cheese.  I had no idea what a horrible thing not being able to eat cheese and meat in the same meal meant, until now.  Kosher was obviously invented by demons in order to tear us apart.  Let's not let this bastard win.  Here are some of the things I miss and love about you.

1. Cheese.  Obviously a given.  The lack of cheese I have consumed over the past 12 days has done a number on my body and soul.  I need you.  In every way.  All over my body.  Too far?  I don't think so.  I think we need to take a vacation together so we can rekindle our love.  And so I can make you my bitch until I am satisfied.
2. Fried chicken.  Hell.  Yes.  There is no substitute.
3. ICE.  What the fuck is up with that, rest of the world?  Figure it out.  Ice is necessary, not optional.
4. In N Out.  Enough said.
5. Anything that's not falafel or schawarma.  Fuck.  That.  Shit.

We might have gotten a lot of things wrong, like UGGS with skirts, Miley Cyrus and Jersey Shore, but I'll be damned if our food isn't AMAZING.  I've been all over the world, but nothing compares to being able to get every type of food pretty much everywhere you go.

American Food (mostly cheese), I hope you realize what you mean to me.  Please forgive me.  




  1. I'm going to Scotland soon - looking forward to pigging out on Fish & Chips, scotch pies, black pudding and real bacon!!