Saturday, March 5, 2011

Creepy Old Guys Love Me

I tend to attract a lot of creepy (and usually old) guys at my job.  It must have something to do with the fact that I'm a female, under 40, appear to be single sitting alone at my desk, and am not completely hideous.

In case you aren't aware, I work in the office at an apartment complex and run about 400 units. 

Seriously.  It happens all the time, and it's always the creepers.  It's kind of an inside joke at my office.  I have one guy that knows my schedule and comes in or calls almost every day under the guise that he needs something apartment related, only to chat about music/life/etc., and as nicely as I can I have to constantly find different ways to remove myself from the conversation. 

Here is my most recent interaction.

A guy came into my office looking for a 1 bedroom.  We'll call him Jim.  Because that's his name.  As I began to help him, he explained that the apartment was for him and his girlfriend.  So naturally, as I am explaining the rental process to him I explained that his girlfriend would need to come in to fill out some paperwork as well. 

A few minutes into this, he says, "Well, she's not really my girlfriend."


Red Flag #1.  ...Because he just got finished telling me that he would be living with his girlfriend.

Anyway, he was kind of (I say kind of because I usually don't catch onto the fact that a guy is flirting with me) flirting with me.  Of course I chose to ignore it. 

He's 60, by the way.  Yep.  Born in 1951- I just checked.

He was asking me what I was doing on my weekend, and feeling uncomfortable I said a really stupid thing: 

"I'm not sure.  The world is my oyster."

This isn't stupid because I shouldn't have said it, it's just a really stupid phrase.  Which speaks to how uncomfortable and awkward this was.  I forget what he said exactly, but he made some kind of comment and thought it was hilarious.  Which is odd, because it's in no way funny. 

I sent him this email in order to get the ball rolling with the rental:

Hi Jim,

Go ahead and have Carol (GIRLFRIEND) sign these 3 forms and fill out the app and send everything back to me along with her photo ID.


Short and sweet.  And this is what I get in response.

morgan your wish is my command, lol see you this afternoon.   you r sweet.

So....awesome. i m sweet.  This might be something I would have expected from a 12 year old girl via text, but not from a 60 year old man during a business transaction via email.  Of course I didn't respond.  To Red Flag #2.  And of course,  I immediately forwarded the hilarious email to my boyfriend. 

And then it was my weekend.  So I had 2 days to make the world my oyster.  When I came back into work, I came back to this:

Welcome back from your Days off Morgan.  Hoping my email catches you bright eyed and rested.  Once you hunker down you should find everything you requested has been faxed on over too you.  because friday the 18 th seems to be sneaking up on us rather quickly.  I would like you to keep me  informed as to when  our application has been approved and were set to proceed to moving in on friday.  Hopefully this will not create any undue stress on you. been thinkin bout the world is your oster comment the other day.  I like that thanks for your help you been great. Jim 

 Seems friendly enough, but freaking weird and creepy.  And I cut and pasted these emails so these are exactly what they said.  I responded to his email:

Hi Jim,
I tried to call you but was unable to get through.  I ran your credit and everything looks good.  Tomorrow I will need you both here to sign the lease.  Make sure to bring renter’s insurance and your account numbers.  If you have any questions let me know, and let me know what time you plan to come in tomorrow so I can be here.


Short.  Sweet.  NORMAL.  To the point.  And business appropriate.  Though I thought that was pretty clear and didn't warrant another email other than possibly a time when he would arrive, I received this:

hi Morgan how were your days off? got yout messageabout everythingbeing good soI guess look for us around noon tommorrow.  Regarding the apt. insurance the agent said he was going to fax you acopy of the policy.  All the other numbers that you requested were included in the applications.  Many thanks again hoping to see you soon. stiill thinking bout the world being your osyter.  does that as well make you a peril diver. teasing! 

I assume he meant "pearl" diver.  And "oyster."  Although I had never mentioned the oyster comment since my original outburst, he did not seem to be able to let it go.  I did not respond to the email and awaited his arrival for his move in.

The move-in went pretty smoothly, with surprisingly little awkwardness, except when he made another comment about the "oyster comment" and asked me what I did on my days off. 

So now he had moved in.  Unfortunately, he lives right in front of the leasing office.  Literally.  I can pretty much see his apartment from where I am sitting right now.

So one day last week he came into the office.  And here are the events that transpired:

Him:  Do I have to tell you if I got a pet?

Me: (Since I deal with this so regularly and it actually is an issue) Yes, what kind?  We actually don't allow dogs in your building.

Him:  It's a cat.

Me:  Oh ok, that's no problem.  We do have to get you to fill out this form and it's an extra deposit of blah blah blah....

Him:  It's wooden.

Me:  ...I'm sorry, what?

Him:  My cat.  It's wooden.


Him:  I figured I had to tell you if I got a pet.

Me:  Well, yes, but you don't have to tell me if you get a piece of wood...

Him:  Would you like to see it?

Me:  No I don't think so....

At this point my coworker is cracking up and she tells him to bring it in. 

A few minutes later I wandered out from the back of the office back to my desk, and he is sitting there, with his wooden cat sitting in the middle of my desk.  And it's got a leash on.

Let's just say for all intents and purposes it looked like this:

It didn't though.  It was way more awkward, and kind of looked like a table with a cat's face painted on the edge.  And it really had a leash on.  In case it ran away? 

So I pretended to laugh, and a little part of me died that day.

And that's what I deal with at my job.  Wooden cats.  And creepy men.  Hooray.


  1. He clearly has no life. You should tell him to go get a wooden woman because that's as close to real as he's gonna get!