Sunday, March 20, 2011

Why I Need A Loris

My latest obsession thanks to my dear friend, is the slow loris.  I have decided I really need one.  Unfortunately, I have encountered many obstacles on my quest to obtain one, including the fact that it's now apparently illegal to own one. 

This is my formal rebuttal to the Committee Who Won't Let Me Have A Loris.

WHY I WANT/SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET A LORIS:

1.  They're really cute.


Just.  Look.  At.  That.  Face.  If that doesn't melt your heart, you have no soul.  And yes, the second picture is a finger that the loris is gripping.  SO CUTE.  Look at those big round eyes!  Those tiny ears!  The fingers!  Ahhhh!!!  Cute overload for suresies.  I need one.  How cool would that be???  "Ohhh, what's that?  You just got a new puppy?  Well that's cool.  But I just got a freakin' LORIS."  WIN.

2.  They like to party.


You can tell by the dollar signs where the s's should be.

And I, also like to party.  Look at these guys!  They love to be tickled , they love to hold tiny umbrellas , what's not to love?  I think we would be bff's for sure.  I even have a tentative name picked out:  Mr. Loris.  I would take Mr. Loris to the store on my shoulder, and we would laugh together and pick out Lucky Charms instead of Wheaties.  I would give him all the tiny umbrellas he could handle and I would tickle him into oblivion.  I want to party with Mr. Loris.

<--- Me + Mr. Loris + Tiny Umbrella = :)

2.  I would build their self esteem.

The name of this animal is the "slow loris."  That's...so sad.  And if that's not a kick in the balls to their ego, I don't know what is.  It's like natural selection didn't even given them a chance.  They are slow by design, and obviously, this is why they're endangered.  Predators probably also know they are "slow." 

If I had a loris, I would spend time with him doing self esteem building exercises.  I would tell him it is doesn't matter what the other animals think, I love him and he is not slow to me.  And then I would give him a tiny umbrella.

3.  Mr. Loris and my kittens would be really good friends.

I can picture it now.  I come home from a long day of work, and Mr. Loris is curled up right between Special Cat and Large Cat.  They would make one giant pile of cuteness.  And they could keep each other company while I'm at work.  It would be an animal party...every day.  Who wouldn't want that?

I really, really, really, really want a loris. 

MY REBUTTAL FOR THE REASONS I SHOULDN'T/CAN'T GET A LORIS 8:(

1.  They're endangered. 

Who isn't endangered these days?  Come on.  This is all the more reason to let me have one.  I am well versed in raising multiple puppies, kittens, gerbils and reptiles.  In conclusion, the obvious next step is to add nocturnal primate to this list. 

Mr. Loris would be so well cared for in my hands, he wouldn't even remember he was endangered.  Also, if he is really nice, I will find him a Mrs. Loris and they can have loris children which can then be released into the wild and grow the loris population and catapult them out of being endangered.  I don't know why no one has ever suggested this before, but I'm here now, so it's ok.

2.  They lick their own elbows in order to deliver a toxic bite.

Alright look, who doesn't get a little pissy every now and then?  Who doesn't want to deliver a toxic bite to their enemies?  I think the loris is very brave for standing up for himself, and humans are just jealous because they don't have venom in their elbows. 

And  maybe this is like the loris' version of PMS.  And maybe all he really needs is some chocolate.  And if not?  I will just need to train Mr. Loris not to do this.  And he will oblige.  Because he loves me.

3.  This bite can cause severe to fatal anaphylactic shock. 

SEVERE to fatal.  (So you're saying there's a chance?)  Obviously, Mr. Loris will be way too cute to be the fatal kind.  And again, with love, training, and chocolate to subdue the PMS, I think anaphylactic shock is out of the question.

4.  They urinate everywhere.

Ok, so what does everywhere mean?  I think we all know how to deal with a little bit of urine.  My solution to this, aside from knowing that Mr. Loris would be way too cool to do this, would obviously be to have Loris Diapers made.  The benefits of this would be two fold:
  • It would contain the urine
  • It would probably be really cute.
Problem Solved.  Next.


5.  They're really cute.


Maybe this isn't so much a reason why I can't have one, but I feel that it deserves a second mention.  Because I should be able to get one.

He obviously needs a hug.  And I know where he can get one.

3 comments:

  1. you need to go get one of these!

    ReplyDelete
  2. i hope you get your loris, i will smuggle one in my buttocks for you =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am undecided to whether you are trying to be ironic or sincere. I'm really hoping it's the former...

    ReplyDelete