The very words strike fear into millions of single people everywhere.
I'll tell you why.
CAUSE IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE.
My first mistake was joining Plenty Of Fish, at my former boss' suggestion (although I later graduated to OKCupid because a friend of mine met a girl on there that he is still with today).
Her reasoning was sound: It's free, easy to use, and she had met a lot of cute guys so far.
I mean what more could a single girl ask for??
Turns out, EVERYTHING.
For those of you Internet dating virgins (lucky assholes) or for those (total assholes) that are already happily married or in a stable relationship, let me explain a little about how the sign up process works.
First of all, after mourning any hope of meeting your future husband/wife naturally/in real life, and emotionally slaughtering any residual pride you may have left over, you need to decide on which site you're going to try.
I went with the free sites because I'm not quite ready for the Hail Mary, and thought this would be a good introductory step.
SO HERE IT IS.
My carefully thought out, from personal experience, step by step guide to Internet dating:
STEP 1: Sign up. Pick a site, and get started. I'm guessing it really doesn't matter which you go for, but I recommend a free one at first so you can keep your sense of dignity for a little while longer and test the waters without having to PAY to Internet date, because that probably makes you feel like a little bit of a prostitute (I'M JUST SAYING).
STEP 2: Fill out a brief profile about yourself. Here, you will attempt to sell everyone on how awesomely fantastic you are, totally glossing over the fact that your awesome self has resorted to online dating.
STEP 3: After crying a little bit, you upload a photo of yourself.
- If you're normal looking: Upload whatever photo you think is a good photo of you. It'll be fine.
- If you're fucking ugly: Fuck with Photobooth or a fish eye lens until you upload some sort of Frankenstein's-monster-type photo that can pass for a photo of yourself, knowing FULL WELL THAT IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU AND THAT AS SOON AS YOUR DATE MEETS YOU THEY ARE ALREADY SO PISSED BECAUSE YOU ARE A DIRTY LIAR.
- If you're a guy: Start trolling for hotties and send them all sorts of sweet messages like, "my virginity is yours for the taking" or "daaaamn woman you are fucking FINE, wanna fuck?! (*bonus points if you misspell some stuff, girls think that's super sexy).
- If you're a girl: You just wait. Because the guys are going to come to you.
You're gonna lead with that?!
That's funny, because I was about to tell YOU that I'm going to have sex with you never.