Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Top 5 Tips For Non-Douchey Online Dating

Well, now the floodgates have opened.

After a solid 3 months of not, I finally logged into my OKCupid profile this morning.

60 unread messages.


Your profile shows your last login date to those looking, so these guys KNEW I probably wouldn't even read their messages.

Nevertheless, they proceeded to message me and attempt to do the impossible: find love online.

After reading every last message sent, I came to these conclusions:

1.  I'm kind of an asshole
2.  I'm probably going to be alone forever
3.  These guys are fucking retarded at talking to women

So welcome back.  In this entry I will attempt to give you boys a few pointers about online dating, from the perspective of a woman who is trying to get on board with this whole thing.

And as you all know, taking my advice is the only way you can truly, truly be happy.


I mentioned this in my previous entry, but I feel like it deserves a more in depth look.

Photos:  Because let's be honest; we don't know you.

Since you don't have the luxury of winning us over with your brilliant personality as you might be able to do if we met in real life, we make a snap judgement.  You know, like the one you made about us that made you decide to follow through and message us.


When selecting a photo to represent yourself, maybe try avoiding that one that suggests any of the following captions:

  • "I enjoy long walks on the beach and also, rape"
  • "I only murder occasionally"
  • "Where do you keep your duct tape?"
  • "Do you happen to have any dental tools and/or suspended hooks?"
  • "I only eat dinner in empty warehouses."

Just a suggestion.  As I scrolled through my 60 messages and looked at these guys' pictures, I could have easily found at least 3 photos that would fit in each of these categories.


Grab a friend and ask him/her to snap a photo that doesn't make you look like the Unabomber.

No cheating either.

Don't you dare put a photo up of you that doesn't actually look like you - WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT.


Take your fucking sunglasses off.

We get it.  You like outdoorsy stuff.  And you look super cool while doing it.

Here's the thing: SUNGLASSES HIDE UGLY.

You never know.  You could be thinking you're getting this:

And then those things come off and you could be getting this:

Trust us, we know.  We've all been there: super hungover, wearing last night's make up and looking like the walking dead.  Wanna know how we deal?  SUNGLASSES.  BECAUSE THEY HIDE SHIT.  The bigger the better, right girls?

So look.  I'm not here to make anyone feel bad about themselves, but I need to see if I'm attracted to you!  Because if I'm not?  Or if I can't even tell?  NEXT.  There are millions of guys on that website.

I'm not saying every picture needs to be cinematic genius here, I'm just saying you need at least ONE picture where your sunglasses are off, where you're not fucking scuba diving or rock climbing so we can tell if we're even interested!


Remember the days before "lol"?  I do.  It was a glorious time.  It was a time where you had to think of something to respond with.  A time where people laughed out loud instead of typed what they were doing into a computer.

....A time where it didn't make men look like total pussies.

Yeah.  I said it.

"Lol" is something that I am even embarrassed to use while quickly texting my friend because I'm driving and don't want her to think I'm blowing her off.



Reading through my 60 messages today, a solid 40% of them used lol...sometimes multiple times.  One actually STARTED with lol.  Coincidentally, 100% of those didn't receive a message back from me!  Weird!!

Maybe this is a personal issue I have, but after speaking to a few of my girlfriends, I don't think it is.

It's not fucking funny.  And you're not fucking laughing out loud.

So cut that shit out.


I'm sorry, YOU'RE trying to date ME...we're clear on that, right?

Making fun of something I said in my profile is a really great way to get me to hate you without ever wanting to meet you.


In my profile, it asks you to list the 6 things that are most important to you, in order.  I put "cheese" at number one, because it's fucking awesome.  I love my friends and family too, but come on.  Cheese always wins.

Anyway, Douchehole decides to message me something about how he can't believe I chose cheese over my friends and family.

Funny, cause I'm also gonna choose cheese over finishing your fucking message.


Don't tell me that after reading the 3 sentences I wrote about myself that I've got a great personality.

I do, but you don't know that.


I know this probably makes me look like an asshole.  I'm really not.  I'm just tired of looking for Mr. Right and finding Mr. IWannaFuckYouSoBad and Mr. IHaveZeroPersonalityButCanFakeItOnline.

So, there you have it.

After 60 messages, there were about 4 people I responded to, and out of those 4, only 1 I was actually pretty interested in.

Ironically, because God wants me to be alone forever, within 10 minutes of my replying to his message, all of a sudden he disappeared from both my inbox and sent box.  His profile no longer exists, much like my faith in online dating.

And until then, I repeat:


  1. this...this is glorious. everything you've written today. Fuck yes.

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