Top 5 Tips For Non-Douchey Online Dating

Well, now the floodgates have opened.

After a solid 3 months of not, I finally logged into my OKCupid profile this morning.

60 unread messages.

60.

Your profile shows your last login date to those looking, so these guys KNEW I probably wouldn't even read their messages.

Nevertheless, they proceeded to message me and attempt to do the impossible: find love online.

After reading every last message sent, I came to these conclusions:

1.  I'm kind of an asshole
2.  I'm probably going to be alone forever
3.  These guys are fucking retarded at talking to women

So welcome back.  In this entry I will attempt to give you boys a few pointers about online dating, from the perspective of a woman who is trying to get on board with this whole thing.

And as you all know, taking my advice is the only way you can truly, truly be happy.

1.  CHOOSE YOUR PHOTOS WISELY 

I mentioned this in my previous entry, but I feel like it deserves a more in depth look.

Photos:  Because let's be honest; we don't know you.

Since you don't have the luxury of winning us over with your brilliant personality as you might be able to do if we met in real life, we make a snap judgement.  You know, like the one you made about us that made you decide to follow through and message us.

THAT BEING SAID

When selecting a photo to represent yourself, maybe try avoiding that one that suggests any of the following captions:

• "I enjoy long walks on the beach and also, rape"
• "I only murder occasionally"
• "Where do you keep your duct tape?"
• "Do you happen to have any dental tools and/or suspended hooks?"
• "I only eat dinner in empty warehouses."

Just a suggestion.  As I scrolled through my 60 messages and looked at these guys' pictures, I could have easily found at least 3 photos that would fit in each of these categories.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!

Grab a friend and ask him/her to snap a photo that doesn't make you look like the Unabomber.

No cheating either.

Don't you dare put a photo up of you that doesn't actually look like you - WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT.


2.  NO SUNGLASSES


Take your fucking sunglasses off.

We get it.  You like outdoorsy stuff.  And you look super cool while doing it.

Here's the thing: SUNGLASSES HIDE UGLY.

You never know.  You could be thinking you're getting this:

And then those things come off and you could be getting this:

Trust us, we know.  We've all been there: super hungover, wearing last night's make up and looking like the walking dead.  Wanna know how we deal?  SUNGLASSES.  BECAUSE THEY HIDE SHIT.  The bigger the better, right girls?

So look.  I'm not here to make anyone feel bad about themselves, but I need to see if I'm attracted to you!  Because if I'm not?  Or if I can't even tell?  NEXT.  There are millions of guys on that website.

I'm not saying every picture needs to be cinematic genius here, I'm just saying you need at least ONE picture where your sunglasses are off, where you're not fucking scuba diving or rock climbing so we can tell if we're even interested!


3.  "LOL" IS NEVER OK.  NEVER.

Remember the days before "lol"?  I do.  It was a glorious time.  It was a time where you had to think of something to respond with.  A time where people laughed out loud instead of typed what they were doing into a computer.

....A time where it didn't make men look like total pussies.

Yeah.  I said it.

"Lol" is something that I am even embarrassed to use while quickly texting my friend because I'm driving and don't want her to think I'm blowing her off.

YOU DO NOT USE IT IN ONLINE DATING.

EVER.

Reading through my 60 messages today, a solid 40% of them used lol...sometimes multiple times.  One actually STARTED with lol.  Coincidentally, 100% of those didn't receive a message back from me!  Weird!!

Maybe this is a personal issue I have, but after speaking to a few of my girlfriends, I don't think it is.

It's not fucking funny.  And you're not fucking laughing out loud.

So cut that shit out.


4.  NO HECKLING

I'm sorry, YOU'RE trying to date ME...we're clear on that, right?

Making fun of something I said in my profile is a really great way to get me to hate you without ever wanting to meet you.

Example:

In my profile, it asks you to list the 6 things that are most important to you, in order.  I put "cheese" at number one, because it's fucking awesome.  I love my friends and family too, but come on.  Cheese always wins.

Anyway, Douchehole decides to message me something about how he can't believe I chose cheese over my friends and family.

Funny, cause I'm also gonna choose cheese over finishing your fucking message.


5.  NO BULLSHIT


Don't tell me that after reading the 3 sentences I wrote about myself that I've got a great personality.

I do, but you don't know that.

BECAUSE WE'VE NEVER FUCKING MET.

I know this probably makes me look like an asshole.  I'm really not.  I'm just tired of looking for Mr. Right and finding Mr. IWannaFuckYouSoBad and Mr. IHaveZeroPersonalityButCanFakeItOnline.

So, there you have it.

After 60 messages, there were about 4 people I responded to, and out of those 4, only 1 I was actually pretty interested in.

Ironically, because God wants me to be alone forever, within 10 minutes of my replying to his message, all of a sudden he disappeared from both my inbox and sent box.  His profile no longer exists, much like my faith in online dating.

And until then, I repeat:

How To Set Up An Internet Dating Profile (You're Welcome)

Internet dating.

The very words strike fear into millions of single people everywhere.

But why?

I'll tell you why.

CAUSE IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE.

SO.

My first mistake was joining Plenty Of Fish, at my former boss' suggestion (although I later graduated to OKCupid because a friend of mine met a girl on there that he is still with today).

Her reasoning was sound: It's free, easy to use, and she had met a lot of cute guys so far.

I mean what more could a single girl ask for??

Turns out, EVERYTHING.

For those of you Internet dating virgins (lucky assholes) or  for those (total assholes) that are already happily married or in a stable relationship, let me explain a little about how the sign up process works.

First of all, after mourning any hope of meeting your future husband/wife naturally/in real life, and emotionally slaughtering any residual pride you may have left over, you need to decide on which site you're going to try.

I went with the free sites because I'm not quite ready for the Hail Mary, and thought this would be a good introductory step.

SO HERE IT IS.

My carefully thought out, from personal experience, step by step guide to Internet dating:

STEP 1:  Sign up.  Pick a site, and get started.  I'm guessing it really doesn't matter which you go for, but I recommend a free one at first so you can keep your sense of dignity for a little while longer and test the waters without having to PAY to Internet date, because that probably makes you feel like a little bit of a prostitute (I'M JUST SAYING).

STEP 2:  Fill out a brief profile about yourself.  Here, you will attempt to sell everyone on how awesomely fantastic you are, totally glossing over the fact that your awesome self has resorted to online dating.

Mine said:

"I'm a cool chick.  I love to laugh, have fun, and I'm pretty much down for anything.  I still haven't found the right guy, so I thought I'd give this thing a shot."

THAT'S IT.

That's all I said.  Which was hilarious, because due to the lack of information I gave about myself, the number of "wow, your profile really interests me" & "I love your profile" became an easy way to spot the people who really just meant "Sup.  You're hot."

STEP 3:  After crying a little bit, you upload a photo of yourself.

      *SIDE NOTE*

• If you're normal looking:  Upload whatever photo you think is a good photo of you.  It'll be fine.

• If you're fucking ugly:  Fuck with Photobooth or a fish eye lens until you upload some sort of Frankenstein's-monster-type photo that can pass for a photo of yourself, knowing FULL WELL THAT IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU AND THAT AS SOON AS YOUR DATE MEETS YOU THEY ARE ALREADY SO PISSED BECAUSE YOU ARE A DIRTY LIAR.

I chose this one (you be the judge):

It says, "Look at me!  I'm not totally ugly and I like to smile and wear black and am kind of an alcoholic!"

Perfect.

STEP 4:  More crying (I recommend Kleenex with lotion, it seems gentler on your skin).

STEP 5:  Once your profile of desperation is complete:

• If you're a guy:  Start trolling for hotties and send them all sorts of sweet messages like, "my virginity is yours for the taking" or "daaaamn woman you are fucking FINE, wanna fuck?! (*bonus points if you misspell some stuff, girls think that's super sexy).

• If you're a girl:  You just wait.  Because the guys are going to come to you.

STEP 6:  Start to talk with members of the opposite sex.  

STEP 7:  Cry a little bit more, maybe start thinking about one of your exes and how maybe you made the wrong decision and should give them another try.  Maybe get a cat (I have 2).

STEP 8:  Slap yourself out of that.

STEP 9:  Set up a date.  Don't worry, it's probably going to be awful, but you already know this, so just give it a try.

STEP 10:  Email me about your shitty dates, cause I'm about to tell you about one of mine.

EXHIBIT A

This guy and I had been exchanging emails, and eventually texts, for about a week.  He seemed funny, sweet, and seemed like he was looking for the same thing I was.  He eventually asked me to dinner.  

His suggestion was the Yardhouse, where he said he was going to make reservations for 7:30.

Cool.

So I show up, fashionably late at 7:35.

Now I'll be honest, being late is a pet peeve of mine, especially for a date, ESPECIALLY for a first date, but I totally get running a little behind.

Tardy Pants (yeah, I'm going with that) decided to show up about 30 minutes late.  Now you know, things happen.  Cars catch on fire, stray bullets hit your leg and prevent you from being on time, I get it.

What I DON'T get, is how this guy could show up late to our date and COMPLETELY act like he was on time.  No apologies.  No acknowledgement of his being late.  NOT OK.

NOT TO MENTION he gave me a side hug and didn't act happy to see me AT ALL upon our first encounter.

....Calm down Morgan, give this guy a chance....

So we walk inside.  He walked to the desk to deal with the reservations and I waited by the door.

After speaking to the desk, he comes back:

"The wait's about 45 minutes."

"...I'm sorry?  Didn't you say you made reservations?"

"No."

.......................

"Ok....well, it's Friday night and I'm fucking (I probably didn't say fucking) hungry NOW, soooo I guess let's go look for somewhere else?"

"Ok."

And he proceeds to walk 3 STEPS AHEAD OF ME THE ENTIRE WAY.

Really douchebag?!  

Really?!

It gets better.

Me:  "I'm so hungry!  I love P.F. Chang's (give this guy a chance, Morgan)."

Him:  "Oh....I'm not.  I already ate."

::RECORD SCRATCH::

I'm sorry....WHAT?!?!?!  YOU ALREADY ATE, AND WE ARE ON A DATE WHERE YOU ARE TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER???  WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORON...

...breathe Morgan....

....breathe....

Me: "Seriously?"

Him:  "Yeah."

After I mentally put my stiletto through his face, we arrived at the restaurant.  Where BY CHANCE at a busy restaurant at a busy shopping center on a Friday night, we scored a seat by the bar.

After some chit chat and a desperation text to my girlfriend while he was in the bathroom, he finally seemed to be relaxing a little and a was little more open to conversation.

...A conversation where he tells me he never wants to get married or have kids.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.  

ASSHOLE.

You're gonna lead with that?!

That's funny, because I was about to tell YOU that I'm going to have sex with you never.

I'm not even going to get into the rest of the conversation because needless to say it was pointless.

OH and I forgot to mention that he was ZERO funny and clever in person.  Way to text though, buddy.

He paid for my dinner and we went back to the Yardhouse for another drink.

Why?  I don't know.  I like beer.

After he let me pay for our beers, (super lame on the first date by the way, boys), we left.

He did not offer to walk me to my car.

He did hug me.

And I did run to my car afterwards.

No sooner than I sat down I got this text:

"you looked pretty tonight."

Oh.....really?  BECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING YOU FUCKING TELL A GIRL WHEN YOU SEE HER, DUMB ASS.

I said "thanks" and he proceeded to ask me for a second date because "he really likes me and didn't think he was himself tonight because he was super nervous."

....YeeeeeaaaaaaNOPE.

Sorry guy, but if you can't be yourself around me from day one and you're as fucking retarded as you were that night, you're not who I'm looking for.

NEXT.

Fucking Dating, RIGHT?!

I HATE DATING. 

Absolutely hate it.

In fact, here is a brief list of things I would rather be doing other than dating:

•  Eating a burrito
•  Looking at a burrito
•  Feeding my cats
• Paying ridiculous amounts for gasoline
• Making my own burrito
• Drinking lots of alcohol
• Being super hung over from said alcohol
• (Yeah, I'll take a hang over over the shittiness of dating)
• Thinking about burritos.
• Cleaning the litter box
• Nothing
• EVERYTHING

Dating is awkward, uncomfortable, and from my experience thus far, TOTALLY POINTLESS.

I've been in three major relationships in my life, with minor ones sprinkled in between.  

Here's a brief rundown of the majors: 

High School:  We all had one.  The high school sweetheart.  Honestly, that's reason enough why it ended.  Though we were together on and off for a long time, we were very young.  End of story.  Let's call him "Puppy Love."

College: College boyfriend and I were together the longest of the three, but essentially this ended because he was more interested in revisiting his pothead years (of which he is still) than maintaining a relationship.  Fair enough, I mean, we were still young (he younger than I).  We'll call him "Mary Jane."  Though there were definitely other factors in our demise, there's the Cliff Notes version. 

Recent:  Recent boyfriend I have affectionately named "Narcissus."  Why?  Because he is an emotionally unavailable narcissist.  It's pretty much impossible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who is incapable of getting over the fact that there are other people in this world, so ladies, I do NOT recommend trying.

Now let's see if we can find a pattern here...

PL: 5"11". Blonde. Thin.  Drummer.

MJ: 6'2". Blonde. Thin. Guitar player.

Narcissus:  6'2". Blonde. Thin. Drummer.

If you're wondering if the connection is football players, you're right!

JK.

It appears I am attracted to musicians.  Almost exclusively.  Not on purpose, because trust me, the days of my being a band girlfriend who sells merch and swoons at her fancy boyfriend on stage are SUPER over.  At least I'M over it.  I just happen to keep falling for these damn guys.

The blonde thing I think is just a coincidence.  Or maybe it's not.  I mean I do think Eric Northman on True Blood is SUPER sexy.  I'm also basically in love with Ryan Gosling.  OK OK SO MAYBE I LIKE BLONDES SUE ME (but mostly, don't..).  

THE POINT IS

This has gotten me nowhere.  Because here I am, 27 years old, living (the dream!) alone, with 2 cats.

And why?!  I'm fairly attractive.  Super fun.  Smart.  Pretty hilarious if you ask me...so how hard can it be right?!?!?

FUCKING HARD.  Is the answer.

I am a relationship girl.  A "serial monogamist" if you will.  Always have been, probably always will be.  I thrive in relationships.  I like commitment.  I like monogamy.  Sadly, this is harder and harder to find in today's world of poorly founded relationships and meaningless sexual encounters.  And to be fair, I'm pretty shitty at picking boyfriends, apparently.

So what Morgan??? This blog is really boring.

WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS IS, that in between the seven billion times Narcissus and I tried to work things out, I partook in internet dating.  

And then I stopped internet dating.  And have been holed up in my apartment of cats for months now.  Ok, not as much "holed up" as "drinking at bars a lot," but whatever.

In my next entry, you will read of my adventures in said internet dating.

And despite my epic failures in both dating and internet dating, I am actually considering giving it another shot.  

So, God.

If you're out there:

HOW ABOUT THROWING ME A FUCKING BONE ALREADY WITH THIS SHIT?!?!

Thanks in advance,

Morgan