A Super Awesome Single Girl's Guide To Dying Alone

As a single girl with a PhD in this field, I KNOW that many of you envy my talents and really want to know how YOU can more effectively meet your demise without any glimmer of hope of a romantic relationship.  Look no further!  I am here to save the day [and you from meeting the man of your dreams]!  Just follow my advice and in no time, YOU TOO can join me in dying alone.  

Maybe someday we can grab a drink and talk about it, but probably not.  

Because I'll be busy. 

With nothing.

Which leads me to my first point:

STAY IN

I know it's Friday night, and you think you should probably go to your friend Jessica's birthday party at that really fun and crowded bar where lots of guys are usually there just to pay for your drinks and tell you you're pretty, but not you!  

You will be staying in tonight.  And all the other nights.  

Why, you ask?  

Because.  You just don't feel like going through the hassle of getting all dolled up to meet some loser who lives in his parents' basement, a frat house, or a double wide.  It's not worth it.  Besides, chances are he either already has a girlfriend, he's not looking for anything serious or isn't capable of any real intimacy anyway. 

He probably can't even drink hard liquor.  

You hate him already.

So STAY IN!  Maybe throw on some Battlestar Galactica, pour yourself a glass or seven[teen] of wine, and really focus on your loneliness.  

...I mean REALLY focus.  Maybe go through some old photos of you and your ex, look at your ever-shrinking bank account and listen to that really sad Adele song a few hundred times.  

Whew.  That was close.  Let's get back on track.

GET SOME CATS

***Please note I did not say ONE cat*** 

Get SOME cats.  

This could mean 2, but hey, why stop there!  Feel free to get up to 4 cats (if you live in an apartment), 6 if you live in a house.  Why?  Cats are cute!  And they will suffice for an emotionally unavailable and inattentive boyfriend until your friends find your dead body one day and they've eaten all your soft parts so they wouldn't starve.

You also now have another excuse not to go to Jessica's party.

"You have to feed your cats."

HYGIENE IS OPTIONAL

You know what?  You've had a hard day.  Maybe don't shower tomorrow.  And brushing your teeth??  Please.  Looks like YOU'RE about to gain 1 to 2 minutes a day!

You're single!  And if you're lucky enough to live alone like me, NO ONE WILL EVEN BE THERE TO JUDGE [or marry] YOU.  EVER.

Why spend so much time in the shower when you could be doing other things like not going to Jessica's party, drinking, and working on your Adele karaoke cover?

For you newbies, this might take some getting used to.  Don't worry, I'm here to provide you with tips!

1.  Invest in perfume.

This way, if you start to smell OH WAIT NOW YOU SMELL AWESOME.

Here are some of my current favorites:

• Omnia Crystalline by Bvlgari
• 
  
• J'Adore by Christian Dior
• 
  
• L'Eau D'Issey by Issey Miyake

2.   Baby powder your shit.

Ok, not your actual shit.  Mostly just your head.  Because you didn't shower today.  (Bonus points if you can actually still SEE some of the baby powder because you were going to be late for work.)

3.  Stop painting your nails.

In order to give guys that true "I don't give a fuck" vibe, maybe just leave your nails the way they are.  It's preferred that you were wearing a dark color that will slowly peel away [like your dreams of finding your soulmate] leaving an unattractive mess that won't quite disappear [...like your dreams of finding your soulmate].  

(*If it does, repaint, but ONLY once it's completely gone.  Probably do a shitty job, too.)

4.  Get a "fat sweater."

Yep.  This is exactly what it sounds like. 

Get a sweater that will cover up the fact that maybe you haven't been to the gym in the past 28 years.  Those boys will never even see you coming (because they're confused and a little concerned about your ambiguous body shape).

MARRIED FRIENDS ONLY

Why would you want to put yourself in the position of being with another single person?  So you can go out and try to meet OTHER single people?!

Absolutely not.

Fortunately, I have the solution:  

Befriend ONLY married people.  Couples that are in a serious, committed relationship will do in a pinch, but are not ideal because hey what if that dude breaks up with his girlfriend one day? 

Spending all your free time with married couples ensures there is absolutely no possibility that you will be around single men who are interested in getting in the way of your dying alone.

Which leads me to my next point:

DON'T DATE

We all know that going somewhere outside of your normal routine might lead to meeting someone new, or meeting someone who knows someone that they think you would really like.  We also all know that this is in direct violation of the Dying Alone Mission, or D.A.M., as I call it.

I don't call it that.  Sometimes I lie.

...To avoid that horribly awkward thing where you meet a boy you're interested in, start talking and eventually are forced to go out on a date that might lead to a serious relationship and eventually marriage, don't go anywhere different.  Don't try new things.  And DEFINITELY, do NOT date.

I mean hellooo, dating leads to marriage.  And marriage leads to dying WITH someone (again, in direct violation of the D.A.M.).

SO, pick a local bar or two and just keep going there because it's convenient, possibly in walking distance, and you've already established that you have no romantic interest in any of the people that go there.  

***SIDE NOTE:  Avoid bars where attractive, single men your age that might share common interests hang out.***

If someone asks you out?  Immediately look for reasons to say no.  

Can't think of one?  

HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING SO FAR!?  

START READING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN.

IN CASE, AFTER ALL THIS YOU STILL GET HIT ON

There are really two schools of thought on how to deal with this, so thank God I've double majored in both of them!

1.  DON'T PAY ATTENTION....EVER.

Because whatever you are doing with your girlfriends or on your phone is way more important than the 6'2" tall dark and handsome doctor that is giving you the eye.  Or trying to buy you a drink.  Or trying to buy you another drink.  Or waving a few times.  Or - ok he gave up.

2.  BE MEAN

You know what?  You WERE in the middle of a conversation with your friends at a public bar where it's socially acceptable to talk to new people when that guy interrupted and tried to get your phone number.  Doesn't he know you're TRYING to die alone???  You should probably tell him.  Maybe a little bit rudely because you've had a lot of vodka.  

And tequila.  

...And probably a shot of whiskey.

Well, I hope you've all learned a lot.  I know I have.  I feel confident that if you follow the steps and advice that I've laid out for you here, you can't fail in your aspirations to die alone.  And remember, if you ever find yourself in a bar alone, make sure to keep pen and paper on you so you can write this blog.

Cats Rule, Dogs Drool...A Lot.

Hi again!  I lag, I know.  I haven't given up on this I've just been super busy with things like work and dying alone.

I'll start by saying that I love animals.  For those of you who don't know, I have two cats and live alone.  Throughout my life, I have had pretty much every kind of animal you can think of, including the 8 desert tortoises that live in my parents' backyard.  I've had both cats and dogs - at the same time - my entire life, and here's the deal:  I'm sick and tired of cats getting such a bad rap.  

Why does being a "cat lady" have such a negative connotation behind it while being a "dog lover" is completely socially acceptable?  I know PLENTY of people who are way more obsessed with their dogs than I have ever been with any animal.  I am also proud to say that I have never toted a cat around in a designer bag.

In any event, I don't think there should be any more negative stigma attached to liking cats than there is to liking dogs.

Cats are awesome.

This is bullshit.  

Here's why:

DOGS ARE NEEDY AS FUCK.

Dogs are like permanent children.  I'm pretty sure if children never grew up, the population would be in danger of extinction, because very few people would want to take care of a child for the rest of their lives.  I'm not sure I even want kids, so I definitely don't want to commit to 7-12 years of taking care of a toddler.  

In fact the last time I checked, most 20-something guys are not all that pumped on having kids right away either; Guys don't want a needy girlfriend, so why do they want a needy pet? 

Single girls that own cats are like an automatic joke to guys.  Well, to a lot of people actually.  But why such a negative stereotype?  You don't hear people cringe when a woman says she has 2 dogs.  And why not?  If she does, you can automatically assume:

• She can't stay out late (she has to get back to her dogs)
• She's probably never going to sleep over at your place (she has to get back to her dogs)
• She won't be able to take a spontaneous vacation with you (she has to take care of her dogs)

On the flip side, if a girl has 2 cats you can similarly assume:

• She can stay out late
• She can stay at your house
• She can take spontaneous trips with you
• She's probably independent

Unfortunately, this is not the case and people tend to just assume:

• CRAZY

Cats are independent.  So am I.  It's fantastic.  They do their thing, I do mine.  When we feel like cuddling, we cuddle.  When we don't, we don't.  Wow, that does sound like a terrible, terrible relationship, doesn't it?

I won't even go into the whole intelligence thing because I'm sure there are both intelligent cats and dogs.  But the point is I need and want a pet that can kind of take care of itself.  I don't want my life to revolve around my pet, I want my pet to enhance it.  Which is exactly what my cats do.

DOGS ARE ALL UP IN YOUR SHIT - ALL THE TIME.

Picture this:  You come home from a long day at work.  Maybe all you need is to walk in the door and open a bottle of wine and watch a little Battlestar Galactica...or something.  Which of the following greetings would you prefer?

Dogs: HI! HI! HI! HOW ARE YOU?! OMG YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING I DID TODAY I LAYED ON THE COUCH AND I CHEWED ON YOUR SHOE AND I RAN ALL AROUND THE APARTMENT LIKE 20 TIMES IT WAS LIKE A WAS ON FIRE AND NO ONE WAS HERE BUT I WAS SINGING SONGS THE WHOLE TIME SO IT WAS COOL HOW WAS YOUR DAY DID YOU DO ANYTHING FUN DID YOU BRING ME TREATS I LOVE TREATS CAN WE GO FOR A WALK HI!

Cats:  Sup.

Calm the fuck down, dogs.

DOGS WILL FUCK UP YOUR VACATIONS 

Dogs:  You wanna leave town for the weekend?  Sorry.  Where is your dog going to stay?  Who is going to feed it?  Who is going to walk it because God forbid it entertain itself?  Who is going to let it out to go to the bathroom?  Who is going to read it bedtime stories in that funny voice you always do?  How much money are you going to pay how many people to watch your fucking dog for you?  Where did you go to college?  What is your ATM pin?  How many sexual partners have you had?  What is your favorite shade of blue?

Cats:  You wanna leave town for the weekend?  Go for it!  Just leave your cats a little extra food and water and clean their litter box before you go.

NEXT.

DOGS FUCKING STINK

I'm sorry, but I don't care how often you bathe your dog or how hypoallerigenically bred your dog is; your dog fucking stinks.

AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.  

Because dogs just stink.  If you can't smell it, you're either in denial or very lucky.  Cats are smart enough to clean themselves and do not stink.  What's even more awesome is that they are born knowing how to use the litter box!  No training.  Just, here's a box, do your thing.

Now I'm not saying I'll never own a dog.  Despite what I have said here, I actually do love dogs and I probably will. 

...When I'm married, and actually have a house with a yard that is suitable for taking care of a dog, not a tiny fucking apartment that you keep your dog locked up in all the time.  Or, when I actually have time to give the dog the attention it demands.  But I'm not there yet.  I live alone, still want pets around, and don't think it's that crazy of me to make the decision to have cats instead of dogs at this point in my life.

So you know what?  Fine.  I'm a cat lady.  I'll own the title.  But in no way do I own up to the negative stigma attached to it.  So while you all have to get home to let your dogs out,  I'll still be drinking at the bar.

I Shouldn't Draw Comics While Drunk.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a zombie.

But then all of a sudden, he shed his zombie clothes and it turned out he was a manatee.  

I was heartbroken.  

And this is my story.

And then we got married.

...

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Eat Cupcakes

Shitshow

Hello friends and avid readers whose main purpose in life should be trying to make me famous.

THIS IS IT!

Ok just kidding.  But seriously, my good friend is making a webseries starring yours truly so I thought I would post a link to include my lovely and dedicated blog readers.

More episodes to come later this summer, but for now, here's how it all began...

SHITSHOW ORIGINS

Words With Psycho

Annnnnd I'm back.

I wish I could say I was back to write some clever thing about being some sort of awesome ninja again, but alas, 'tis not the case.

This month has been an interesting one for me.  One that has led me to the conclusion:

Hey boys, WHAT THE FUCK!?

I am going to give you a play by play, dates included and everything, of an event that transpired.

This story actually begins in elementary school.  I met a girl who I ended up being good friends with, probably until about junior high when we ended up going to different schools.

This friend has an older brother.

I haven't seen, or talked to either of them since I was probably 12 years old....and that's being pretty generous.  Let's call him Joe.

FEBRUARY 7th

• Joe finds me on Facebook
• After "liking" an alarming number of my pictures, Joe sends me the following message:

Wow you're gorgeous!

Now, my thoughts at this point were, OK, this guy hasn't seen me in a long time, and he's just commenting on the fact that he thinks I grew up to be an attractive woman.  

Based on these thoughts, I came up with the following response:

Aw thanks :) you're sweet.

In my mind, that meant, "thanks for the compliment, that was nice of you."  Apparently to him, it meant, "here is the green light to be super fucking creepy and even a little rapey maybe."

He immediately responded with: 

You're the sweetest

It was here that I knew I had fucked up by responding in the first place, and here where I literally stopped talking to him.  

...Buuuut that didn't matter, because he proceeded to continue the conversation (again, I did not actually respond to him, but my thoughts about what was going on are in purple):

We should go to lunch  (not a chance in hell)

......

:)  (what the fuck are you smiling about??)

......

You must be busy at work ;)  (mostly though I'm busy ignoring your creepy ass)

......

FEBRUARY 13TH

How have you been lately beautiful  (wtf???)

......

FEBRUARY 16TH

Hmmm (getting the hint yet?)

......

How's your family doing? (oh ok, clearly fucking not)

......

After LITERALLY zero response from me, any normal guy would have probably left me alone.

Not this guy.

Mother fucker decides to write on my Facebook WALL.

How's your family doing?

At this point, I'm thinking, "DUDE, take the hint.  I don't want to talk to you."  But, being way too nice, I responded:

Great thanks!

I again, realized my mistake when he immediately responded with:

What are your parents and brother up to?

Listen fuck stick.  I'm obviously not interested in catching up with you.  LEAVE ME ALONE.  

....Is what I was thinking and probably should have said.  But I honestly thought if I just never responded to him he would eventually go away.

That worked fine until he decided to start a game of Words With Friends with me via Facebook.

FEBRUARY 21

• Words With Friends game is started by a mystery user.
• Eventually a name shows, and I realize it's him.
• I figure, "as long as he doesn't chat with me, it's fine (I play like 15 WWF games at a time)."

Which brings us to today:

FEBRUARY 22

On my way to get coffee this morning, my phone alerted me that it was my turn to make a move on Words With Friends.

I looked at my 15 games, and I was not surprised to see an all too predictable chat alert from Joe's username.

I opened the chat, 

...and pretty much shit my pants.

Here is what it said:

...

...

...

...

"I wish I could make love to you"

...

...

...

...

...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!??!

I have no idea how I didn't get into a car accident as soon as I saw that.

The fucking nerve of this guy!  Which part of the NOT welcoming ANY of your advances led you to believe it would be OK to say that to me???  AND IN WORDS WITH FRIENDS CHAT?!?!?

Honestly, even if I my own BOYFRIEND said that, I'd be like, "OK, I like you too and stuff, but that was a liiiiittle rapey, so maybe tone it down a bit."

As I type this, my mind is still reeling cause I CANNOT fucking believe this really happened.

After thinking all day about how crazy this is, here is a list of things that I have to assume he thought I might respond with in order to actually follow through with sending me that message:

• Holy shit, I was just wishing the SAME THING I'm SO GLAD you said something first!
• Where can I meet you so you can make said love to me?
• I don't know about that, but let's be great friends now!
• I'm just sitting here at home with my legs open if you want to come over?
• Turn around, I'm already here!
• Maybe if you beat me on WWF, let's keep playing!
• I would love to do sex with you!

I could go on, but you get the point.

I immediately resigned the game.

Wouldn't you know, dipshit starts a NEW game with me.

...Which I promptly declined.

TELL ME THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS MORGAN I bet is what you are thinking right about now.

Well friends and internet people, it doesn't end there.

He went BACK onto my Facebook and send me another message:

What happened to our words game???

If you're at all surprise or taken aback by this after getting this far, just know it was exponentially more shocking for me to read.

This is where I finally took action, realizing that this asshole was clearly not going to stop unless I said something.

Here's what I sent:

Based on your completely inappropriate behavior, I'm not even comfortable playing Words With Friends with you. I wish you well, but you really need to leave me alone now.

And I promptly deleted him from my Facebook.

BUT HE STILL WROTE ME BACK.

Although you, like me, are probably expecting that he said something like. "you're a bitch I hate you" or preferably, "I'm so sorry that was inappropriate and kind of rapey," he said only:

Awww :(

.....

The moral of today's story:

Guys, if a girl isn't responding to you, LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE.

The Purse Theory

***Disclaimer***:  This entry is a little different from my other posts and is not really intended to make you laugh, but it's my blog, and I do what I want!  Also, read it anyway because you love me.  Also, I like pie.


"THE ONE."


What does that even mean?!

Every girl is looking for it: that perfect man that completes and complements you as a person.  That man that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and cannot imagine living without.

This is not a search to be taken lightly, and I believe there is another search that parallels our search for love.

It is another of my theories, and let's call it, "The Purse Theory."

Girls: stop and think for a moment:  What purse/bag/clutch are you using right now?  Do you love it?  Are you looking for a better one?

Here's the thing:  I think a woman's quest for the "perfect bag" and the quest for the "perfect man" are quite similar. 

If you're anything like my friends and I, you are constantly searching for that perfect bag that completes and compliments you.  That bag that you don't have to constantly switch out to match to your outfit.  That bag you will use until it literally falls apart because you love it so much.

Some girls are looking for the perfect bag.  Some girls are looking for the perfect man.

I, am looking for both.

I got this idea a few weeks ago while shopping with a friend.

Though I have thought this to myself long before I spoke it, I told her, "I'm looking for the perfect purse," and I proceeded with a list of my specifications:  "I want it to be black, leather, medium sized, two handles, easy to get into, not too heavy, able to put over my shoulder, and have some kind of funky detail while looking classic at the same time."

I also told her, "money is not really an object (within reason, of course) if I find the perfect purse, but I've been looking for about a year now and still haven't found it."

Then we started joking about how that's similar to talking about finding "the perfect guy" and how it's a very similar plight.  At some point after that day, I really started to think about it and draw parallels:

We're all looking for the right guy.  We all find guys that are really close to what we want, some we even date in hopes that they are, but then we realize that they're not quiiiite what we were hoping for.

Take the purse I am using now, for example.  While searching for "the one," I ran into this lovely little Michael Kors number:

...I don't think it could be more different from my previous explanation of what I'm looking for:  It's silver with a snakeskin-ish print, it has one handle, it is NOT easy to get into, and it's pretty heavy.

It IS medium sized, I CAN put it over my shoulder, and it is DEFINITELY funky, so it's not completely lacking in what I was looking for.

But what does that say about my relationships??

It's actually pretty telling.  My last relationship was a shiny purse that had hints of what I wanted in a guy, but actually could not be more different from what I know I really want in a PURSEun.  (See what I did there?  I'm so clever.) (See because instead of PERSON....) (...sorry.)

SO WHY do I keep buying purses that aren't "the one"?  Why do we keep dating people that if we are honest with ourselves are NOT "the one"? 

I don't have an answer.

What I DO know, is that I am not giving up hope, in either case. 

I will keep checking the purse section at Nordstrom's.  I will keep going on dates.  Because I know they are both out there and I just have to be patient enough to find them.

P.S. How Sex and the City am I, right now??!

Basically, I Should Be A Ninja.

I love salespeople as much as the next guy.

Ok, that's a lie.

I HATE salespeople.

Which is ironic, because I actually am one...and have been one since I was 16.

IN ANY EVENT.

There is nothing I hate more than being approached by a salesperson in any and every situation.

I mean, I know they're only doing their job, but I'm like, "look bitches, if I need your help, I will come find YOU, how's that?"

They're so fucking sneaky too.

I'm usually just minding my own business, shopping for clothes....and out of nowhere I hear:

And I'm like, holy shit I just scanned this whole area and it was totally safe where the FUCK did you come from?!

Maybe there's an underground network of salespeople and they wear heat seeking night vision goggles while wearing an invisibility cloak so they can get all up in your shit and then BAM you never saw it coming, but they're asking you if you need help.

That one question sends me into an uncomfortable panic and I cannot get away from them fast enough.

In reality, I say something awkward like,

"No I'm good, just stealing all your shit thanks."

or

"I don't know bitch CAN YOU?"

or 

"I hate you and everything you stand for please leave."

But in a perfect world, in these moments I would actually transform into a badass mother fucking ninja.

So they'd be all:

And I'd be all:

And then like:

and they wouldn't even KNOW.

Because I'm a badass mother fucking ninja.

The Story Of How I Couldn't Use Chopsticks To Save My Life

The following story is based on actual events.

...well, sort of.

OK, whatever.

It was a warm summer day...

and that's the story of how I couldn't use chopsticks to save my life.