...Well, this is a bit awkward.
I'm sure you are all aware, but in case you aren't (because you have been struck by a fireball/tsunami/etc.), yesterday, May 21st, the world ended. And the rapture happened.
It was really quite the let down, cause apparently God is way more selective than any of us could have imagined. Where the hell (<-lol, right?) is everyone? I thought this was going to be a party.
I'm up here in heaven...
...completely alone.
I did not see this coming, I have to be honest. I mean I know my obsessive love for cats made me a good person and all, but the only person? Alright, I guess. At least up here I get free WiFi. (And really good reception.) Everyone up here uses PC's, which is a complete shock to me I have to tell you. Heaven is very anti-Apple. It's all the rage (<-omg pshhh) in hell though, or so I hear.
If someone could please take care of my cats, that would be great. I know I didn't invest in End of the World Insurance so that aetheists would take care of them, but since you're all obviously still there it would be really great if you could just handle that for me.
Special Cat is a handful cause she's kind of a retard, but Large Cat is pretty easy to manage.
The good news is, I finally have a loris! Yeah, it's pretty awesome. And the toxic bite ain't no thang since I'm already dead. Mr. Loris has a different colored tiny umbrella each day, and he just hangs out on my shoulder like parrot.
The G-Man is pretty cool with letting us do whatever we want. He says we're not allowed to listen to Rebecca Black though, because it's so bad it even offended Him.
Oh and the food here? Uh-Mazing.
Annnyway, really didn't think I'd be up here without all of you, but what are you gonna do, I guess?
Ohhh wait nevermind. Nothing happened.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Boobs, Osama, Ke$ha, Charlie Sheen, Japan, Gas Prices!
Apparently because I titled one of my blog entries "Beerfest," I have exponentially increased the amount of views my entire blog gets each day.
I wrote it about 5 days ago and we're going on 550 views on that entry alone.
In other words, I'm pretty much famous.
It's really pretty crazy considering the most views of any of my entries since January (when I started) is about 200.
::Lightbulb::
So I am conducting an experiment to generate more traffic to my blog! Welcome!
This post title consists of what I think people are currently searching the most!
They will search these things.
And then they will come here.
And then they will realize this post is just to get them to come here.
But then they will read some of my other posts.
Like this one: Why I Need A Loris (OMFG LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY!)
And this one: Top 5 Things That Annoy Me While Driving (HA LOLZ JK SO FUNNY READ IT NOW!)
And also this one: The Creep Five (ROTFLMFAO 4 DAYZ!)
And all of the other ones.
And then they will love me forever.
And they will buy me pandas.
And kittens.
But mostly, they will read my blog. And I will become famous. And all of my dreams will come true, also.
Hooray!
Let's see how this goes, shall we?
********UPDATE********
After doing some research, I have discovered that it's mostly based off of the human centipede image that I put up. Which is hilarious and disturbing. So I'm revamping this by posting images. Hooray!!!
I wrote it about 5 days ago and we're going on 550 views on that entry alone.
In other words, I'm pretty much famous.
It's really pretty crazy considering the most views of any of my entries since January (when I started) is about 200.
::Lightbulb::
So I am conducting an experiment to generate more traffic to my blog! Welcome!
This post title consists of what I think people are currently searching the most!
They will search these things.
And then they will come here.
And then they will realize this post is just to get them to come here.
But then they will read some of my other posts.
Like this one: Why I Need A Loris (OMFG LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY!)
And this one: Top 5 Things That Annoy Me While Driving (HA LOLZ JK SO FUNNY READ IT NOW!)
And also this one: The Creep Five (ROTFLMFAO 4 DAYZ!)
And all of the other ones.
And then they will love me forever.
And they will buy me pandas.
And kittens.
But mostly, they will read my blog. And I will become famous. And all of my dreams will come true, also.
Hooray!
Let's see how this goes, shall we?
********UPDATE********
After doing some research, I have discovered that it's mostly based off of the human centipede image that I put up. Which is hilarious and disturbing. So I'm revamping this by posting images. Hooray!!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
A Guide For Men About Women
Alright. So we've all been there.
You're pissed at your boyfriend/husband/dude you're dating/whatever....and they have no idea why.
Or: You're pretty sure your girlfriend/wife/chick you're dating/whatever is pissed at you...and you have no idea why.
I've had a good amount of relationship experience supplemented with conversations with girls who all feel the same way that have led me to put my thoughts onto virtual paper.
It's nothing new: men and women think completely differently.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus could not be a more accurate statement. Unless we literally found life on both those planets and discovered that men actually were from Mars, etc.
In that respect, I've decide to make my own guide for men. About women.
Men: Please read this and refer to it often. Print it out on tiny paper and laminate it. And if you get confused, run into the bathroom mid-date and refer to it as frequently as necessary.
Boobs. Beer. Steak. Football.
Now that I've got your attention...
In my experience, the number one issue that instigates fights is communication. (Or, the lack thereof.)
Let's begin.
TEXTING ***EDIT*** (OR PHONE CALLS)
Disclaimer: Please note that in no way am I saying that texts or phone calls are a substitue for time spent in person. Life is busy. Texting is efficient and not time consuming. Phone calls, while nice, are not always possible or convenient. Further, you may substitue "phone call" for "text" at any point during this next part and I still stand by it.
This is probably the biggest newer-ish issue that couples are faced with. It might sound silly, but it's not. To sum it up: You don't text us often enough, or efficiently enough. And if you are one of the few men that do, then keep it up. (But chances are you're not, trust us.)
Boys: We are thinking about you all the time. All the time. Not like, most of the time. Or, almost all of the time except when we are distracted by other things. ALL OF THE TIME. It doesn't mean we are incapable of having a life outside of you, it's just how we are designed. (To think about you. All of the time. In case that was unclear)
Take it as a compliment.
That being said, it completely confuses us that you are not also thinking of us all the time. That you are able to go about your days without couting down the seconds until you see us next, or talk to us next, or get a text message from us next. Does-not-compute.
So here are my texting-your-girlfriend/wife/chick you're dating suggestions by bullet point:
If you do not do this: We assume it's because you don't care about us enough to think about us long enough to text us. And even if we don't tell you, we're secretly disappointed. So prove us wrong.
If you do not do this: We assume it's because you don't care about us enough to think about us long enough to text us. And even if we don't tell you, we're secretly disappointed. So prove us wrong.
APOLOGIES
It's no secret that guys typically "mess up" more than girls. Or at least we let you know you mess up more than you let us know.
That being said, there is a way to apologize to us.
After you apologize to us, we're probably still going to be a little pissed. Even if we've reconciled, we've spent the last however long being pissed at you about it and that takes a little bit to subside.
It doesn't mean we don't love you, or that deep down we are really not going to let go of whatever pissed us off. It just means there's a little more work to be done.
"So how do we fix it Morgan???" You're probably asking.
Well guys, we need a second layer of apology.
We need a hug.
Maybe a kiss...
...But definitely a hug.
Until reconciliation has occured in the form of physical contact, we are going to act tough. Or maybe just still be sad.
TIP: Even if we are the ones who messed up and have aplogized to you for something, we still want you to hug us and smooth things over and tell us it's ok.
And remember: No hug = no forgiveness.
So get on that.
MAKING/CANCELING PLANS
As a couple, making plans with each other and with others comes up frequently.
(I was worried I might be losing you. But welcome back.)
OTHER RANDOM THINGS TO KNOW
1. You probably already know this to an extent, but when you ask us, "what's wrong?" And we say, "nothing...," it's definitely something.
I am definitely guilty of this. It usually means, "It's not a huge deal, and if you really don't know then we don't want to make a huge deal about it, but we're definitely upset about something."
3. We like to feel like your top priority.
We know you have your guy friends and a job and other things to do besides hang out with us all the time. However, we want to feel like we're at the top of the list. And like all those other things come second to hanging out with us.
So there you have it. A few bits of insight to the female mind.
You're welcome.
Boys, start doing these things and we will be super super happy campers.
And furthermore, we all know I do nothing wrong ever, so that's why you should just listen to what I say.
*A big thanks to Miss Anna Meldau for brainstorming with me!
You're pissed at your boyfriend/husband/dude you're dating/whatever....and they have no idea why.
Or: You're pretty sure your girlfriend/wife/chick you're dating/whatever is pissed at you...and you have no idea why.
I've had a good amount of relationship experience supplemented with conversations with girls who all feel the same way that have led me to put my thoughts onto virtual paper.
It's nothing new: men and women think completely differently.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus could not be a more accurate statement. Unless we literally found life on both those planets and discovered that men actually were from Mars, etc.
In that respect, I've decide to make my own guide for men. About women.
Men: Please read this and refer to it often. Print it out on tiny paper and laminate it. And if you get confused, run into the bathroom mid-date and refer to it as frequently as necessary.
Boobs. Beer. Steak. Football.
Now that I've got your attention...
In my experience, the number one issue that instigates fights is communication. (Or, the lack thereof.)
Let's begin.
TEXTING ***EDIT*** (OR PHONE CALLS)
Disclaimer: Please note that in no way am I saying that texts or phone calls are a substitue for time spent in person. Life is busy. Texting is efficient and not time consuming. Phone calls, while nice, are not always possible or convenient. Further, you may substitue "phone call" for "text" at any point during this next part and I still stand by it.
This is probably the biggest newer-ish issue that couples are faced with. It might sound silly, but it's not. To sum it up: You don't text us often enough, or efficiently enough. And if you are one of the few men that do, then keep it up. (But chances are you're not, trust us.)
Boys: We are thinking about you all the time. All the time. Not like, most of the time. Or, almost all of the time except when we are distracted by other things. ALL OF THE TIME. It doesn't mean we are incapable of having a life outside of you, it's just how we are designed. (To think about you. All of the time. In case that was unclear)
Take it as a compliment.
That being said, it completely confuses us that you are not also thinking of us all the time. That you are able to go about your days without couting down the seconds until you see us next, or talk to us next, or get a text message from us next. Does-not-compute.
So here are my texting-your-girlfriend/wife/chick you're dating suggestions by bullet point:
- If we text you, text us back in timely matter. One might think this is common sense (we do at least), but to you, it is not. Because you get distracted. And lose track of time. And have other things you are thinking about. But in this day in age with the amount of technology out there it is now, it's pretty unacceptable to go all day or even half a day without responding to a text from your significant other. Figure. It. Out.
If you do not do this: We assume it's because you don't care about us enough to think about us long enough to text us. And even if we don't tell you, we're secretly disappointed. So prove us wrong.
- If you go out without us: We are probably bummed we are not with you. Even if it's a "guy's night" and we are fine with it, we still wish we were with you. That being said, take the 1 minute out of your night to send us a text that lets us know you are thinking about us.
If you do not do this: We assume it's because you don't care about us enough to think about us long enough to text us. And even if we don't tell you, we're secretly disappointed. So prove us wrong.
APOLOGIES
It's no secret that guys typically "mess up" more than girls. Or at least we let you know you mess up more than you let us know.
That being said, there is a way to apologize to us.
After you apologize to us, we're probably still going to be a little pissed. Even if we've reconciled, we've spent the last however long being pissed at you about it and that takes a little bit to subside.
It doesn't mean we don't love you, or that deep down we are really not going to let go of whatever pissed us off. It just means there's a little more work to be done.
"So how do we fix it Morgan???" You're probably asking.
Well guys, we need a second layer of apology.
We need a hug.
Maybe a kiss...
...But definitely a hug.
Until reconciliation has occured in the form of physical contact, we are going to act tough. Or maybe just still be sad.
TIP: Even if we are the ones who messed up and have aplogized to you for something, we still want you to hug us and smooth things over and tell us it's ok.
And remember: No hug = no forgiveness.
So get on that.
MAKING/CANCELING PLANS
As a couple, making plans with each other and with others comes up frequently.
- If you are going to cancel plans with us: have other plans ready! Don't just say, "I'm not going to make our date tonight because I am going to go watch football and compare penis sizes with my buddies...sooo, later!" Instead, try, "I'm so sorry I'm not going to make it tonight, but can I take you out for dinner and a movie ____day to make it up to you?" I guarantee your response will be worlds different.
- If you are going to cancel plans with us: begin with an apology. You are bailing. By nature, this is going to bum us out. So expect a bit of disappointment regardless. Again, it's only because we love you and want to be with you all the time. Soften the blow by beginning with an apology. Then bring up the rear but figuring out something to suggest to make it up to us.
(I was worried I might be losing you. But welcome back.)
OTHER RANDOM THINGS TO KNOW
1. You probably already know this to an extent, but when you ask us, "what's wrong?" And we say, "nothing...," it's definitely something.
I am definitely guilty of this. It usually means, "It's not a huge deal, and if you really don't know then we don't want to make a huge deal about it, but we're definitely upset about something."
- How to get around it: Think long and hard (twss) back to the preceding few sentences or exchanges between you two. Chances are it was something that was done/said just moments before your woman started acting quiet and distant. Most of the time, if you just acknowledge it and possibly say something to the effect of, "I didn't mean it like that...I'm sorry," things are cool.
- How to get around it: Well, not really 'get around it' I suppose on this one. But just keep in mind that if you surprise your girl with flowers or a little something that says you were thinking about her, she'll be pumped.
3. We like to feel like your top priority.
We know you have your guy friends and a job and other things to do besides hang out with us all the time. However, we want to feel like we're at the top of the list. And like all those other things come second to hanging out with us.
- How to get around it: Besides making us feel like we're your main focus when we are together, just keep in mind that you score brownie points with us when you choose to hang out or talk with us over your other friends/hobbies/etc.
- There's no way around this. It's inevitable. Just get used to it.
So there you have it. A few bits of insight to the female mind.
You're welcome.
Boys, start doing these things and we will be super super happy campers.
And furthermore, we all know I do nothing wrong ever, so that's why you should just listen to what I say.
*A big thanks to Miss Anna Meldau for brainstorming with me!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Beerfest
This is my follow up story to Drink Boulder 2010.
This. Is Beerfest.
Last September my friends and I began what will undoubtedly be a continued tradition.
Every fall, Colorado hosts the Great American Beerfest. We all got the idea to make it an event in January of 2010 when we went to visit my friend Susan for the first time. She told us we had to come out for Beerfest that fall, and since we all had so much fun getting drunk that weekend, we obliged.
Along the way, we picked up a few more friends who were along for the ride. It was me, Susan, Laurel, Laurel's boyfriend Scott, and our other friends from high school Peter and Chris.
The journey began on a Thursday.
We flew out and Susan met us at the airport late that night. We went home only to fall asleep that night.
This trip was different.
This trip was innately devoted to alcohol, so when we woke up, no one felt guilty that we decided to start our day by hitting our first brewery...at 11 AM.
Beerfest wasn't until Saturday and we wanted to get a head start on the debauchery.
Again, being the lightweight that I am, I was drunk almost immediately. We toured craft breweries for the better part of the day, drinking and doing stupid things like climbing hay mountains that we found on the side of the road.
There is one important piece of the story I should add before I continue.
Before I left for my trip, my boyfriend and I were hanging out.
We had about 3 hours to kill before he had to take me to the airport. "We should rent a romantic movie," he said. "Like The Human Centipede."
"The Human Centipede?" I asked. "What's that?" (<---big mistake)
"....You don't...know...what The Human Centipede is??" He excitedly asked. When I confirmed I did not, he briefly explained the plot.
If you still don't know what it is, here is a summary.
...Yeah.
I immediately grabbed my computer and googled the trailer. How did I not know about this???
I became obsessed with everything about the movie, except actually watching it. I was still trying to decide if I could handle watching a crazy scientist stitch 3 humans together, ass to mouth so they shared a digestive tract.
Of course I brought it up immediately to my friends.
I couldn't believe my luck, because none of them had seen or heard about it either. So I got to explain it to them.
And then we were all obsessed. The amount we talked about just the idea of this movie was insane. I am not exaggerating when I say we spent hours talking about it.
The evening turned into a continual rant of logistics.
"So, what if we sewed A to C???"
"What happens if one of them throws up? Where does it go???"
"Couldn't they develop some kind of system when they use their tongues to let the others know they're about to take a crap???"
It was a long night.
Then Beerfest day arrived.
But the Human Centipede conversation held strong.
(I eventually watched the movie, but we had discussed it so much and gone over every little detail that I pretty much knew everything about it and was bored to tears. I ended up fast forwarding through most of it).
Moving on.
We headed down to the convention center.
...An entire convention center dedicated to beer and drunk people. There were so many people. And so many beer stations.
They handed us this tiny little cup and explained that we get as many 1 ounce pours as we could drink.
"One ounce???" We all thought. "We only have 4 hours, how can we possible get drunk off of one ounce pours in 4 hours???"
<----Little cup
<---Cool pretzel necklaces that are a must
....
<----Us doing that to other people
<----("OOOHHH")
This. Is Beerfest.
Last September my friends and I began what will undoubtedly be a continued tradition.
Every fall, Colorado hosts the Great American Beerfest. We all got the idea to make it an event in January of 2010 when we went to visit my friend Susan for the first time. She told us we had to come out for Beerfest that fall, and since we all had so much fun getting drunk that weekend, we obliged.
Along the way, we picked up a few more friends who were along for the ride. It was me, Susan, Laurel, Laurel's boyfriend Scott, and our other friends from high school Peter and Chris.
The journey began on a Thursday.
We flew out and Susan met us at the airport late that night. We went home only to fall asleep that night.
This trip was different.
This trip was innately devoted to alcohol, so when we woke up, no one felt guilty that we decided to start our day by hitting our first brewery...at 11 AM.
Beerfest wasn't until Saturday and we wanted to get a head start on the debauchery.
Again, being the lightweight that I am, I was drunk almost immediately. We toured craft breweries for the better part of the day, drinking and doing stupid things like climbing hay mountains that we found on the side of the road.
There is one important piece of the story I should add before I continue.
Before I left for my trip, my boyfriend and I were hanging out.
We had about 3 hours to kill before he had to take me to the airport. "We should rent a romantic movie," he said. "Like The Human Centipede."
"The Human Centipede?" I asked. "What's that?" (<---big mistake)
"....You don't...know...what The Human Centipede is??" He excitedly asked. When I confirmed I did not, he briefly explained the plot.
If you still don't know what it is, here is a summary.
...Yeah.
I immediately grabbed my computer and googled the trailer. How did I not know about this???
I became obsessed with everything about the movie, except actually watching it. I was still trying to decide if I could handle watching a crazy scientist stitch 3 humans together, ass to mouth so they shared a digestive tract.
Of course I brought it up immediately to my friends.
I couldn't believe my luck, because none of them had seen or heard about it either. So I got to explain it to them.
And then we were all obsessed. The amount we talked about just the idea of this movie was insane. I am not exaggerating when I say we spent hours talking about it.
The evening turned into a continual rant of logistics.
"So, what if we sewed A to C???"
"What happens if one of them throws up? Where does it go???"
"Couldn't they develop some kind of system when they use their tongues to let the others know they're about to take a crap???"
It was a long night.
Then Beerfest day arrived.
But the Human Centipede conversation held strong.
(I eventually watched the movie, but we had discussed it so much and gone over every little detail that I pretty much knew everything about it and was bored to tears. I ended up fast forwarding through most of it).
Moving on.
We headed down to the convention center.
...An entire convention center dedicated to beer and drunk people. There were so many people. And so many beer stations.
They handed us this tiny little cup and explained that we get as many 1 ounce pours as we could drink.
"One ounce???" We all thought. "We only have 4 hours, how can we possible get drunk off of one ounce pours in 4 hours???"
<----Little cupTo move the story along, by the end of hour 2 we were all annihilated. The question then became, "How do we keep this up for 2 more hours???"
But we did. It was awesome.
We took Shot Skis:
<---Cool pretzel necklaces that are a mustAnd at some point, this seemed like a good idea:
....Yeah. Temporary tattoos. And mouth vaginas. Laurel had to go to a wedding the next day. She obviously did not think the fake-tattoo-on-her-boob thing through.
Any time someone dropped their little plastic cup, the whole convention center erupted into one giant,
"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
<----Us doing that to other peopleWhich basically meant party foul.
I held onto that thing for dear life.
Unfortunately Laurel dropped hers...at the very end of the night. 8:(
<----("OOOHHH")
The session eventually ended.
As soon as it did all 30,000+ people burst out into applause. The applause did not stop the entire time we were in the convention center/leaving.
After 5 minutes of listening to the shouting and watching the sea of people pour down the stairs clapping and shouting with drunken happiness, I finally (I was drunk or I would have done it much sooner) snapped a quick video of it which I will add here later. Until then this link might work: I don't know if this will work.
Annnnyway.
The night was far from over. But we're just about at the part where I stop remembering what happened.
Peter and I apparently decided to hop on a rickshaw (there were rickshaws??). I think we were ready to crash. But just as we started to move, our friends flagged us down and told us we were all going to a strip club instead.
....Apparently that's what we do in Colorado. Drink, and go to strip clubs.
Though this time we stayed at the club for a few hours.
Lots of money was spent. Lot's of boobs were seen. Scott got his camera taken away by security after he tried to take a picture of one of the dancers. It was a good night.
And then we left.
And here's where it gets really hazy...
For some reason (I am guessing I was borderline too intoxicated to walk efficiently) Peter was carrying me on his back. And somehow we got separated from the rest of the group, which I didn't know until the following morning.
We stumbled around looking for our hotel, and ended up in the wrong one. Whatever hotel we stayed at had 2 different sections to it and was pretty confusing even when we were sober, so you can imagine how difficult it would be to navigate while drunk.
Which reminds me.
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Hotel Builders/People:
If you are going to build or have a hotel right next to a Beer Festival, maybe make your hotel a little less fucking confusing. Because you are about to have 30,000 stumbling idiots calling you because they can't find their rooms and are probably in the wrong damn building of your hotel.
-----------------------------------------------------
In any event, we made it. Peter flopped me down on the bed and went in the other room and that's all I remember.
So when I woke up the next morning - head throbbing/on the verge of death - and Peter came into our room with coffee and asked me, "did you find your pants?" You can probably guess why I was confused and alarmed.
"I'm sorry, what?? And also, shhhhh not so loud...ugh."
"You don't remember?" He asked.
Oh God oh God what did I do...
He laughed: "Yeah well in the middle of the night I opened my eyes and you were standing over me saying, 'Peter....Peter...I need pants...Peter....I need pants!' And I looked down and you were not wearing pants."
I smacked my hand to my head in embarrassment and looked under the covers.
I definitely wasn't wearing pants.
...Don't worry I was wearing other clothes. But still.
"You just were so sad that you couldn't find your pants...so I helped you look through your suitcase, but I couldn't find them either so I gave up."
I looked around the room.
Pieces of my outfit were flung everywhere. My pants were draped over the desk. My jacket was hanging over the lamp. My bra and shirt were both folded nicely in my suitcase...which was weird. Somehow in my drunken state I managed to get my sleep tee shirt on.
...And then someone discovered the wet spot in the corner.
To this day I will swear that it was not me, that peed in the corner. But unfortunately, no one knows what happened that night. I don't remember a thing past the walk back to the hotel. And everyone else was just as drunk as I was.
So my friends think I peed on the floor. I don't, because I'm OCD with being neat and clean, so even in my drunken state I don't believe I would have done it. But I cannot prove either side. I can neither confirm nor deny. Except that I will continue to deny until the day I die because I DIDN'T PEE ON THE FLOOR.
I know I said Boulder 2010 was my worst hangover, but that was only because I had not yet experienced Beerfest.
Oh.
My.
God.
That was THE worst flight I've ever been on. I've never been so sick. I don't know how I didn't throw up. I don't know how none of us threw up for that matter.
Note to self/friends for next year: Do NOT schedule return flight for the first thing the morning AFTER Beerfest.
To wrap things up, Beerfest this year is the last weekend in September. And I will be there.
So who's in??? Let's do this.
I did not pee. Also.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Top 5 Things A Man Should Never Say To A Woman
These don't have to be things said in a relationship. It can be any type of relationship: Coworker, boyfriend, friend, etc. The point is, there are just certain things you don't say to a girl. Because I said so.
5. "Sex and the City is stupid." (Idea by Nick Parsons)
FUCK.
YOU.
Sex and the City is awesome. And you're stupid.
4. "You look tired..." (Idea by Lindsay Montefu)
You know what? You look like an asshole. I'm tired because I spend my days dealing with your bullshit. And looking pretty. And being awesome. And you look tired because you spend all your time masturbating. And being an asshole.
3. "I'm a better driver than you."
Maybe if you got off your high horse and didn't back seat drive, it wouldn't be an issue. First of all, you are not God's gift to driving. You make mistakes too. We're just nice enough to pretend we don't notice.
Return the favor.
You know what, I'm not even going to do a 'second of all.' Just re-read the 'first of all.'
I actually prefer to be driven around rather than to drive, but that being said I am a damn fine driver if I do say so myself. (Never mind the car I totaled in 2006.) Besides, men statistically get more speeding tickets than women (yes, I even did the research) AND at least women are smart enough to be able to talk our way out of them. So there.
2. "Will you be my girlfriend??? Ok...now you ask me."
Enough said. Read my Creep Five entry.
And finally, what prompted me to write this blog:
***1. "Is it because you're on your period?"***
Listen assholes. You have NO idea what "being on your period" is like.
Having a period is probably the WORST thing in the world. Except for sharks.
IT IS MISERABLE. Not only do we get to deal with bleeding from our genitals for 4-7 days, but it totally mind-fucks us as well.
Everything makes us cry.
Everything is shitty.
Everything is the end of the world.
Please note: This is not something we actively choose to participate in. No one wants to be crazy for a week out of every month.
***EVERY MONTH!*** That means we spend approximately 3 months a year bleeding and having meltdowns over which color nail polish we want to wear that day or wondering why no guy will ever amount to the guy from the Notebook.
The truth is, we don't even know we're being crazy most of the time. It just happens. And then every once in a while we'll catch a glimpse of reality and realize, "Ohhh...I guess crying because Starbucks is out of Chai for the day is a little crazy..." And "I'm sorry I tried to break up with you because you asked if my shirt was new when I actually had worn it on our first date."
It's miserable. We feel fat, ugly, emotional and irritated. Not to mention the debilitating cramps that force us into fetal position for hours on end.
So guys, shut up. You don't get to ask us if anything is "because you're on your period." Ever. I feel like comments like this should be considered the equivalent of a racial slur...I guess a gender slur? Let's start that up.
Yeah.
And when you bleed from the tip of your penis for 4-7 days, have to deal with mind numbing cramps, and turn into an emotional zombie, THEN you can ask us if we're upset because "we're on our periods." Until then, you can all eat shit.
(No, I'm not on my period.)
5. "Sex and the City is stupid." (Idea by Nick Parsons)
FUCK.
YOU.
Sex and the City is awesome. And you're stupid.
4. "You look tired..." (Idea by Lindsay Montefu)
You know what? You look like an asshole. I'm tired because I spend my days dealing with your bullshit. And looking pretty. And being awesome. And you look tired because you spend all your time masturbating. And being an asshole.
3. "I'm a better driver than you."
Maybe if you got off your high horse and didn't back seat drive, it wouldn't be an issue. First of all, you are not God's gift to driving. You make mistakes too. We're just nice enough to pretend we don't notice.
Return the favor.
You know what, I'm not even going to do a 'second of all.' Just re-read the 'first of all.'
I actually prefer to be driven around rather than to drive, but that being said I am a damn fine driver if I do say so myself. (Never mind the car I totaled in 2006.) Besides, men statistically get more speeding tickets than women (yes, I even did the research) AND at least women are smart enough to be able to talk our way out of them. So there.
2. "Will you be my girlfriend??? Ok...now you ask me."
Enough said. Read my Creep Five entry.
And finally, what prompted me to write this blog:
***1. "Is it because you're on your period?"***
Listen assholes. You have NO idea what "being on your period" is like.
Having a period is probably the WORST thing in the world. Except for sharks.
IT IS MISERABLE. Not only do we get to deal with bleeding from our genitals for 4-7 days, but it totally mind-fucks us as well.
Everything makes us cry.
Everything is shitty.
Everything is the end of the world.
Please note: This is not something we actively choose to participate in. No one wants to be crazy for a week out of every month.
***EVERY MONTH!*** That means we spend approximately 3 months a year bleeding and having meltdowns over which color nail polish we want to wear that day or wondering why no guy will ever amount to the guy from the Notebook.
The truth is, we don't even know we're being crazy most of the time. It just happens. And then every once in a while we'll catch a glimpse of reality and realize, "Ohhh...I guess crying because Starbucks is out of Chai for the day is a little crazy..." And "I'm sorry I tried to break up with you because you asked if my shirt was new when I actually had worn it on our first date."
It's miserable. We feel fat, ugly, emotional and irritated. Not to mention the debilitating cramps that force us into fetal position for hours on end.
So guys, shut up. You don't get to ask us if anything is "because you're on your period." Ever. I feel like comments like this should be considered the equivalent of a racial slur...I guess a gender slur? Let's start that up.
Yeah.
And when you bleed from the tip of your penis for 4-7 days, have to deal with mind numbing cramps, and turn into an emotional zombie, THEN you can ask us if we're upset because "we're on our periods." Until then, you can all eat shit.
(No, I'm not on my period.)
*Oh and thanks to everyone for your ideas...that was fun*
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